Hope She is Remembering
To not let her thoughts run away from her, so I hope you are hanging in there Naturalblue. It sounded like you needed to wait til after the holidays and hopefully he will ease your mind and give you the full story, so just remember his mono-sounding talk may have been taken out of context. He is obviously having trouble communicating his feelings as they happen. It sounds completely normal to me to feel like you are being left out, and not respected.
And that is something that can change, it is something that will have to change when there are unavoidable emotional ties. It is sort of the main difference between "open" and "poly" and it can be hard for some people to fully comprehend what their partners need to feel secure, so it will take you approaching it gently and figuring out a way that you can communicate what kind of behavior it will take to get past these really freaking tough spots.
Again, you are not the only couple to have begun a successful non-monogamy marriage, and without realizing it find the road you are actually on is Polyamory. And there are many ways to get through it without a complete breakdown and scrapping of your family vehicle (your marriage) So just know you don't have to give up, just because a tire blew out and you don't have a spare. You can limp along on the shoulder until you reach a metaphorical service station.
Many relationship trips started out where you did and ended up on the rough patch of road that is start to Loving with total freedom. Hindsight is easy, so just know that it's the "looks" and "feel" of dispair that has caused many people to abandon ship, but it is NOT always so dispairing that it cannot be fixed. People just don't realize til they are through it and its too late sometimes.
Until you both feel comfortable enough to not be afraid to tell each other everything as it happens (or whatever you as individuals will require to feel safe and secure) I believe everything can definitely be repaired. So long as you don't feel hurt beyond repair, which typically happens when for whatever reason one of you doesn't feel safe to fully disclose what your are thinking. You aren't playing a hand of poker, but it turns into such a game if you aren't showing each other your cards. If that happens, it is hard not to notice winners and losers in every hand. So don't do it like that.
I don't know, that's all the ways I can think of to say it. So hopefully you are hanging in there for the Holidays, hope all is well