I am sorry you are hurting.
Do you have a health professional helping you out? A counselor, psychologist, psychiatrist person? That's a lot of stuff there!
You know that having these crush feelings is nothing, right? You don't actually have to ACT on any of them. You can just enjoy your crushes and not do a single thing about them. In time they come and go. Just as pretty rainbows come and go. *shrug*
If you feel polyamorously wired, there is no "cure" for that. You just choose to be in active relationship with the people you want to be in active relationship with. You choose to honor the relationship agreements you have with them.
Polyamorous just means the capacity to love more than one person at a time. It doesn't mean you must be in relationship with more than one person at a time AT ALL TIMES. Sometimes that means you are polyamorous and SINGLE. Enjoying rainbows come and go, but choosing to NOT be in any active romantic relationships because of other reasons. Perhaps work, grief over a lost loved one, illness -- things that don't allow you to be a good dating partner to someone at this point in time.
What are you wants, needs, and limits at this time? I am not clear on what you want your future with the GF to be? You don't sound like you know what you want.
- A) Do you want to be in relationship with just your GF? If yes... do you want to be in RIGHT relationship with her or not? Work on your communication style, boundaries, and health issues so you can be a healthy whole partner for her.
- B) Do you want to be in relationship with the GF and free to date others too? If you want this-- ASK her if she wants this too and if she's willing to be in that kind of relationship with you.
- If not she is not willing, give her up and break up with her and keep the poly dating desire. Work on your communication style, boundaries, and health issues so you can be a healthy whole partner for future dating partners.
- Or if she is not willing, give up the poly dating desire and choose to be with her in monoship. Back to option A.
- C) Or that you want to break up with her and can't bring yourself to do it? Would you prefer she break up with you so you are off the hook?
If you no longer want to be with her and you know this, just end it. Don't be unkind and string her along for the ride.
Is the way you write also how you talk in real life? If I was your GF I'd be upset listening to this sort of communication style.
To me it could be perceived something like this:
"I am diseased and wear my heart on my sleeve! (implied: Have little to no expectations of me. Because I am broken, I have no personal responsibility. I am an effect of my circumstances only. )
I don't know if I want you and I don't remember why I am with you and I think I'd pick you, I'm not sure. (implied: lack of commitment, no personal responsibility, taking GF for granted, hurting GF feelings.)
Hey, I like/crush on this list of people! I share this openly with you. (implied: why am I not getting points for honesty? Why are you not happy with this knowledge? Even when it comes on the heels of the first two things?)"
That communication style is off putting. Why would your GF be happy receiving knoweldge of your crushes when prior communication implies lack of commitment and lack of personal responsibility toward her? Ack!
I know I could be totally wrong. But that's how it would feel to me in those GF shoes.
Why is she upset? Has she said?
Could it also be the HOW you express yourself about it all and your communication style? What is it you tell her about your crushes/feelings for others verbatim? Could you improve your communication style to be something more assertive and less talk-downy to yourself?
If you go around telling yourself you are a cynical misanthrope broken person -- that's not HELPING yourself toward better mental health. That's not self-respecting behavior -- talking down to yourself about yourself.
Could there be a Recovery chapte
r near to you help supplement what you get at a professional? They can help you spot yourself
in times of thinking things leading you off to working yourself up. Help you learn to keep your thoughts in good order so you learn not to talk down to yourself.
Again, I'm sorry you are suffering right now. I hope you can take positive steps to get on the path to wellness.