View Single Post
Old 12-28-2009, 09:17 PM
rolypoly's Avatar
rolypoly rolypoly is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 350

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I'm so respectful that you are bringing this all up as that is hard shit to work out! Good for you for even broaching it here!
Thanks redpepper.

I'm going to quote, who else, Marshall Rosenberg:
"...this person has been taught non-NVC concepts of love such as, "If you really love someone, you deny your needs and take care of them". Then as soon as this person gets into a close relationship - a loving relationship - they turn judgmental..."

"You see, in the early stage of the relationship, they are giving from the heart, they enjoy giving; it's easy, they don't think of it until they pass the line.

What is the line? It's when people fear that they've "made a commitment". If you really want to scare them to death, talk about commitment or use the word "serious". As soon as they think it's a "serious relationship" - or the word "love" comes up... the moment they define it as a serious relationship, that's when they feel like they are responsible for your feelings".

How does it happen that your expectations become a means to define someone as wrong or bad?
Because there was a line when I was growing up. You're either on the good side, (you'll sacrifice yourself for me, you'll always be there for me, you'll always say nice things) or the bad side, (you forget important dates, show up late, say mean things).

Where does the fear come from? What are these expectations that that happens???!!!
It's really just a fear that I am to blame for feeling hurt because I'm choosing to accept "bad" behaviour from someone. So, for example, if my well-intentioned, loving partner does something and I feel hurt, I snap into the old paradigm or s/he's bad and I'm good, which comes across like expectations.

This is the process I use to heal all that:
"We may start a dialog with the other person by telling them what's alive in us and what we would like them to do to make life more wonderful for us. Then no matter how the respond, we try to connect to what's alive in them and what would make life more wonderful for them. And we keep this flow of communication going until we find strategies to meet everyone's needs, and we want to always be sure that whatever strategies people agree to, they're agreeing freely out of a willing desire to contribute to the well being of one another."
My heart is too big to fit into one person.
Reply With Quote