Welcome! Are you the spouse of gingerbreadman?
First, he could agree to stop getting mixed up with other people and focus on tending the relationship he has with you. His behavior is not forthright or honest if you are having to "discover" him crossing boundaries.
I myself am hesitant to have a physical relationship with another and I do not want him being physical with another woman either. Talking with couples and flirting seem ok to me.Is there a way to make this marriage work and how do we decide on boundaries.
You sound willing in some things -- talk, flirt, maybe read articles? But you do not sound ok with him exchanging photos or dating or sex or anything like that at this point in time. So I don't think you have a problem with boundaries there! You are clear about your line in the sand!
You seem to desire a monogamous relationship with him. Is this a hard limit? (no way, jose NEVER EVER changing!) Or a soft limit (in time it could change?)
Tell him so clearly.
- At this time, I am willing to ______.
- At this time,I am NOT willing to _______.
- At this time, to be in right relationship with me I expect you to _____.
- Are you willing to honor that? Or not willing?
Draw you line in the sand. And not just about relationships. But in communication.
Because that seems to be the other problem here. He hides things and you stumble upon it, and then that feeds insecure like "what ELSE is he no communicating?" Could this help you?
That's how my spouse and I agree to be together and treat each other.
What boundaries is he having trouble keeping? Why does he have trouble?
- Is it because he does not know the line in the sand? Have you told him clearly that's your limit?
- Is it because he does not know his own wants, needs, and limits at the time of making agreements/promises? And then comes to find he promised things he cannot in good faith deliver?
Some reading links if you need them: