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Old 12-13-2012, 04:19 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,599
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I am sorry you are struggling. BREATHE. Hang in there!

Advice or suggestions? Well... it has only been a short time. You are still learning each other and how to best work together in partnership. Some wobble is normal. BREATHE. Could this help you?

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ed_10-6-10.pdf

As for how you write about how you feel/think:
  • I think you could give yourself permission to HAVE feelings.
  • I think you could give yourself permission to let him own his OWN feelings and decisions.
  • I think you could be in charge of your own life and life decisions. Be the CAUSE. Not the EFFECT.

Here is what I mean from how you write:

Quote:
I am scared I will lose him because I feel like I am just causing him extra problems.
Reframe this:

I can see that being in relationship with me causes time management issues for him. I am not enjoying the thought of having to break up with him because his time management does not meet my needs.


YOU do not cause him problems. Shy of punching him in the face or direct action like robbing all his money. HE is a willing participant in this isn't he? Let him own his end of the sticks. And sure having more than one GF means time management issues! That's a given! He chose dealing in more challenging time management when he chose more than one GF!

He is a person. Not a toy. You don't "lose him." You choose to end the relationship because needs are not met. Or he chooses to end the relationship because his needs are not met.

Instead of thinking from a place of "things just happen to me in my life! I am an EFFECT of my circumstances! Blown about by the winds!" you could try OWNING your own life and taking CHARGE of your life decisions.

Be a CAUSE in your life -- you decide and do things in it. You don't just float along. That could perhaps alleviate some of the insecure not-knowingness. Because as a CAUSE, you KNOW what's going on when. At least some of it. Because you are the captain of your own ship.


Quote:
I feel like I am just adding stress to his situation with his girlfriend.
YOU are not all powerful. You can't make anyone feel anything. If that were so I could make you feel better just by reading these words. POOF!
(I joke to try to make you smile -- you sound down.)

Reframe:
I learn things from him that cause me anxiety. I rather not know so much.
But seriously... if being in relationship with you tips his polysaturation point and causes him stress... that is for him to own and deal with. If this causes him to not meet your needs in relationship? You could choose to end the relationship. If he decides that this is spreading him too thin, he could choose to change things in his life -- and that could include him choosing to end things with you.

What are your needs here? To not hear about his stressy details and daily play-by-play? Because it causes you anxiety? Could ask him to tell you only the things that affect you -- not stressy work stuff, stressy family calendar stuff, stressy GF stuff, etc the very minute it happens. A weekly summary of the highlights will do. (or whatever "volume" you need to be at to be free of anxiety from hinge oversharing info.)

Quote:
I don't want to lose him but I am finding it a bit difficult to deal with the small amounts of time I get to spend with him.
Reframe. Specify.

I find it difficult to deal with our having ___ date nights a week/month. I need to have _____ dates.

I have to tell him he is not meeting my needs and if he cannot change it, accept that I'm not getting needs met here. It could mean I break up with him.


Quote:
When I get upset or emotional about that I feel bad and I think that is unfair to him.
Feeling bad is an emotion. It can be felt. Some feelings are yucky to feel. Some feelings are yummy. It's neither here nor there. Emotions just bubble up. Rain is rain. Sun is sun. Emotion is emotion. Internal weather blowing on through.

You do not get to choose HOW to feel. Or WHEN to feel. Or WHAT to feel.

You get to choose how to behave. Feelings ensue after behavior. If the feeling that ensues is yummy, keep on doing that behavior. If the feelings are yucky -- change the behavior, change what you do for your emotional management. Then see if you feel better.

Why is you being a full spectrum feeling person "unfair" to him?

Quote:
We have talked about this, but I do find it hard to talk about my feelings.
What was his response in the talk? Did you go to him to TELL? Or did he have to fish it out of you?

If you find it hard to talk about feelings... You could take action to learn to articulate emotion better. Read, perhaps look into non-violent communication classes or CDs or similar. Then you could grow more confident about expressing yourself. You could give yourself permission to just feel whatever it is when it happens rather than shy away from feeling the "yucky feelings."

Quote:
I don't want him to think I am sulking or being dramatic or anything.
You cannot control his brain. He thinks whatever he thinks.

You can only control your behavior.

And if you are feeling upset, you have the right to say "I am feeling upset right now. I need time/space/tea/whatever it is you need in times of upset."

If you are behaving in less than self-respecting ways while upset -- flinging yourself to the ground and kicking legs and pounding fists like a toddler, throwing rubber chickens at him... well, stop doing that. You can express upset in grown up ways. (again, I joke to try to make you smile.)

Take heart. You will survive this. BREATHE.

Then when ready -- you could choose to take charge of your life and your emotional management in a different way to see if that serves you better.

Namaste,
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-13-2012 at 04:32 PM.
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