Struggling to make it work for us
We are attempting to navigate a transition from swinging to poly, and it's not going so well. She has taken to it like a fish to water, discovering what was missing from the swinging: a deep emotional component. He, seeing how strongly fulfilled she is by loving other men, is having a very hard time feeling compersion. He wants to. But when he comes home and sees "him" on her webcam, it just sends him to a very dark place.
She enjoys poly because it allows her to open her heart to a multitude of people while remaining primary to her husband. She needs people and connections beyond just one person. He gets all that, and has really warmed to the idea of good friends, of occasional romantic encounters with couples who've become our friends, and he gets that she needs much more stimulation in the course her day, particularly when he's at work.
What he isn't getting is where the friendship shades over into love. It just hurts.
We are at an impasse, and are struggling to figure out where consent and control meet. He's pretty well decided that a) he's not poly, but is actually very fulfilled loving her and her alone, and that b) he is being broken down, bit by bit. She feels like if she recognizes that there's no mutual consent, and agrees to pull back from polyamory, that she is being emotionally controlled and blackmailed.
This is all about a month old.