Not wanting to hurt any more
I am a 31 year old hetero male. I have been in a monogamous marriage for 10 years now. My wife and I have been together since before high school with two short breakups before graduation. We have two children and a third on the way. We have a very good relationship. I have never considered the thought of open relationships or how they can benefit everyone. Shortly after marriage I talked about the possibility of another couple to be intimate with. I guess I have always sought more. Nothing ever came of that as my wife was and still is self conscience. I try my best to understand her and remind her of how beautiful and special she is.
Over the years I have not always been faithful. There has never been physicality, but more of an emotional affair attached with a "I would like to, but..." Going out on a limb here, but I have been sexually exclusive to my wife and her only. Yup, my only partner. So is that what is driving me to poly? Maybe a little, but mostly I think not. In the experiences where I have enjoyed the company of a possible partner, the attention, flirtation, and overall excitement of it have driven me crazy. I love to hear other people's stories. I love to relate to other people and learn more about them. If a sexual thing comes out of it, it is neither here nor there.
All three times that I have had interests outside of my monogamy however, I have either told my wife or she found out. She is currently distraught, as she should be. I am not happy with my actions and I have hurt her, again. This time was a little different for me. I have come to realize that my interests are not going to change. A friend referred me to this site to pose my questions and become more informed. We have had several long talks about my thoughts on poly, his experiences with poly, as well as him turning me on to some literature which I have not gotten far into, but I like what I have read.
I realize that I have been saying a lot and whether or not it means anything I am not sure. I guess the reason for my post is this: If I am very interested in becoming more informed and active in poly, and she is not, what should I do? Obviously I cannot force her into doing something that she doesn't want to or feel the need to do. However is there any good advice? I am listening and looking for a friend.