You have a lot going on there. BREATHE. I am sorry you have struggles right now.
Dealing in polyship manangement skill things is moot if you don't even want to be
in polyship with them to begin with. This sounds more like an affair foisted upon you. And you going along with it from fear of not being with him any more. Is that it? Does anything here resonate?
What is it you want most for YOUR romantic life? Leaves name out. Just put "a person who..." Then when you get that articulated to yourself see if he/she measure up. Do they? Don't they?
You write clearly though. You have identified these problem things:
1) This is the biggest question -- You are not sounding like a willing participant in polyship here. You went along with it hoping it would "go away" in time.
It has not. You must reconcile that -- it is not self-respecting behavior to do things you do not REALLY want to do and are not in line with your values/beliefs/wants/needs. Or to KEEP ON doing them.
2) Husband had deceitful start to extra relationship with your friend. You are not thrilled with this. You may need apology from both him and the friend. Demand they apologize for this trust betrayal. Whether or not you can or choose to forgive is another story. But calling this into account would help your own well being I think. For your own strong boundaries upkeep.
3) Husband wants you to not date others because he does not want to share you. (Well, did you want to share HIM?) You are not thrilled with this -- you are a person, not a toy. He cannot make unilateral decisions for the marriage. This restriction leaves you no space at all -- you don't get what you seem to want from him (just you and him) and you don't get access to meeting your needs elsewhere because he wants privileges from you he's not willing to reciprocate. That's unfair and needs calling into account also.
There is nothing wrong with ethical monoship. There is nothing wrong with ethical polyship. There is nothing wrong with trying something you are WILLING to try to see the outcome. But once results are in? There IS something wrong with it if you find out it goes against the grain and you KEEP ON going against your own true self. This is not self nourishing. Get back into right relationship with yourself.
And yes, getting back into right relationship with yourself? It may mean facing not being with him and breaking up if he doesn't meet your needs in partnered relationship any more and he's not willing to change his behaviors to help meet your needs.
You have the right to have YOUR relationship come in the shape YOU want. It is not just him having the right to have his relationship come how he wants.
4) He has poor time management and not balancing ORE and NRE. You list these needs from him:
- For him to limit chatting with her when he is spending time with you to ______. Be PRESENT with you when he is with you.
- For him to be PUNCTUAL and honor his scheduled time spent with you.
- For him to uphold his responsibilities at home (chores, and so on)
- For him to continue cultivate his relationship with your and provide support and nurture and not have you have "leftovers" of his care and attention.
Could bring these things to his attention to see if he is willing to change his behavior on those items or not so that your needs are met.
She also has stopped chatting with me for the moment as that is her coping mechanism. Frankly I think she feels very guilty for what she is doing and THAT the real reason. I have spoken to hubby about this but he says to just hang on there she will be back to her old self soon.
You could talk to her direct about her behavior rather than thru him. Deal with each one directly. Avoid triangulation. It's not like he can make her change her behavior. Only she can. You can't change his behavior. You can only control how YOU choose to behave.
Again -- dealing in polyship management stuff is moot tho, if you really at core don't even want to be here.
Solve that bit first. DO
you really want to be here? Not for him. But for YOU? Yes or no?
I know this is not fun to feel.
Hang in there. Sort yourself out.