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Old 12-12-2012, 05:25 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

I haven't participated in this thread because I'm a solo, but I do appreciate what you've said about moving away from couple-centrism. Autonomy is healthy and necessary in all love relationships, whether married and cohabiting, not married, poly, mono, or whatever. Certainly those who cling tightly to making their spouse or primary partner more important than anyone else they are involved with, will be shaken, critical, or a bit defensive about a much braver and independent stance that says it isn't necessary - and I applaud you, Cleo, because as a solo, I avoid getting involved with anyone who doesn't see all their relationships as equally important. I would hope that a partnered poly person who wants to date me will not make decisions about his relationship with me based on fears or demands of his partner.

I hope SchrodingersCat won't mind my quoting her. She calls her approach "Relationship Triage" and I love how she talked about it in another thread:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Yes, I'm married. Yes, we share finances and a household. Yes, that means I have obligations and commitments to him. I also have obligations and commitments to school, to my parents, to my best friend and her son... And if I get into a serious relationship with someone else, I will have obligations and commitments to them. And triage will go thusly: who's having the bigger crisis right now and needs my time and attention most, at this moment?

It does not mean that I have already decided, a priori, that all my future relationships will be "less important." It does not mean that anyone will ever be considered disposable, simply by virtue of not being my spouse. I didn't roll that way when I was single, why would that change now?
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I never claimed that primary and secondary relationships were not different. They are very much different. I have explicitly chosen to reject the implications of those differences by deliberately avoiding the labels of primary and secondary.

For example, suppose my "secondary" is having a major crisis like her mom just died, and my "primary" needs to talk about a bad day at work. The "primary/secondary" model implies that my primary's needs come before my secondary's needs, regardless of the severity or immediacy of those needs.

I prefer relationship triage. So: if you come into my hospital, I really don't give a hoot if you've sprained your ankle, Mr. President, I'm going to treat the homeless guy bleeding profusely from his 3" stab wound first.

. . . Life is dramatic. Shiiiit, my husband and I have had more than our share of drama, completely unrelated to polyamory or our relationship or anything at all within either of our controls. You just deal with it. That's what makes you grow as a person. Ejecting everything in your life that causes drama is classic avoidance and gets you stuck in life, usually miserable because guess what... everywhere you turn, there's more drama.

. . . Sharing my finances and housing with a person does not, to me, constitute "my whole life." I still have my career, my friends, my alone-time, my hobbies, not to mention my other romances. These are all parts of "my whole life" and none of them include my husband.
I think, in your case, Cleo, that your husband was just wrapped up in a mix of uncomfortable feelings, and was indecisive, and he wanted you to steady him, though what he probably really needed was to step up, make a choice, and move on. Because by not making a choice himself, he forced you to choose him over your bf, when you had already chosen to see bf. Reminds me of a sci-fi novel I recently read where the biggest crime in this one society was if someone took away another's choice.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 12-12-2012 at 09:46 PM.
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