Great recap, MeeraReed
Originally Posted by Vinccenzo
I know people are not perfect. I know they make mistakes in all ways including with their judgement. I know that even before they make whatever mistakes they are bound to make. I don't only care for the people in my life when they take my advise and take that care away when they don't. If I can no longer be there for them when they say they need me, I perceive that as the end of the relationship. I don't continue on acting as though I still have a loving relationship with them out of respect for myself, them and for the relationship we had.
I feel we are never an "I" when speaking of our relationships no matter how many relationships are going on. Its not even just a poly thing. Its a life thing. I've never had only one relationship even before poly.
Consider: the relationship of me as a mother with my son. I guarantee he is going to make mistakes. Even ones I warn him will end up being mistakes. In this context, does it make what I'm saying a little clearer?
Not really. I don't understand what 'mistakes' have to do with it? I never said that I don't love people anymore when they make mistakes. I don't do a lot of judging. I did not judge my friend with the affair, but I did have to think about my own behavior, and I did not want to be a liar for her. (not sure if you were referring to this situation, but that's what I'm guessing)
And: I don't only care for people when they take my advice. Frankly, I give very little advice. I only said that I no longer believe in 'my marriage will always come first because my husband is the most important person in my life'.
This means that decisions about how to spend my time, love and energy become more difficult. It means I have to weigh my husbands sadness versus my BF's sadness. Who are you to say which partner needs me the most? Wjo am I to say who does? At that specific point in time I felt my husband needed me most. I cancelled my plans and spent time with him. But my BF at the time was far form stable, emotionally, and going through stuff that made him feel lonely. And that is why I said 'if my husband had kept on asking me to not spend time with the BF, we would have had a problem': meaning I would have had a problem, in my new situation where I no longer felt my husband had first dibs so to speak.
I find it very interesting, this discussion. There are so many threads on this forum about hierarchy, primaries and secondaries, veto and OPP's. Not everyone agrees about these issues, but after reading here for almost a year, I get the feeling that more often than not, hierarchical relationships, veto's etc are seen as undesirable.
It intrigues me that when I started thinking about this topic, and started a thread about how for me after my couple of years of doing my version of poly, I feel a shift from ' we' to 'I', away from the hierarchy, in the direction of equal relationships with all my loves, I'm being called 'selfish', 'unenlightened', 'a fair weather lover who only wants to have fun' and 'unevolved'.
I guess I do feel, more and more, in the context of all my relationships, that I am an "I" instead of half of a "We". And to me, this is the biggest adventure of my life so far, and one can call it selfish, but the funny thing is, the more I feel secure, confident, autonomous and alone, the more love seems to come my way, and the more love is shared.
Anyway, I feel this thread is now getting stuck on this particular incident. Would love to hear some more input from people who have, at some point, experienced the same shift in the hierarchical nature of their relationships.