Thanks all for the great responses.
I journaled yesterday about my feelings abou poly...and they ALL stem from fear. So I am now taking the advice here and focusing on what I do want:
Being able to give love without any expectations
Freedom to do what I want/need to do for myself
Health (carefully screening people, STD testing, using protection, etc)
Being at peace with myself whether alone or with someone
Queer and married with kids and unsure about poly even after all this time.