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Old 12-10-2012, 09:53 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AlixDomme View Post
[I] worry I will lose him to someone better or with a better body and my fear of these things or that he is happy w someone else or I am not good enough for him eats at me.
But... that's what happens in monogamous relationships. In mono relationships, if you want to be with A, you can't be with B, if you want to be with B, you can't be with A, so you pick the "best" one of the two and leave the other.
In polyamory, it doesn't really matter who is "best" or if there really is one person who is, because you can be with both. Think about it, if he broke up with you for someone else, he wouldn't be gaining the someone else: in a polyamorous relationship, he already "has" them. The only difference would be he would be losing you.

Surely you realise that it wouldn't make sense, regardless of how awesome someone else is, to break up with you when he would gain nothing from it and lose you.

On top of that, I don't think you can objectively grade people and pick who's best. That's not how it works because people are more complex than that. Otherwise, people who think they need to choose (common monogamous plot) would not agonize over it.
No matter who he meets, you will be better than them in some aspects. And yes, they will be better than you in other aspects. Maybe they will get some of his jokes better, but you'll remember what his favourite flavour of ice-cream is and buy it for him. Of course it can also be more important stuff too, but the bottom line is, you're a combination of many, many things, and not all of them are going to be inferior to this mythical other woman you're picturing.

Even if you only mean physical aspects, not all of her body parts will look "better" than all of yours. Add to that the fact that beauty is subjective and even a single person will see their taste vary from one day to the next, and I really wouldn't worry about it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AlixDomme View Post
I still despise a lot about poly. For instance, I feel like poly men are all about notches on bedposts. I want to mean something to someone. I want someone to NEED me. I dont want to feel like I'm just another replacable lover. I despise the thought of stds. I hate that people think I am "easy" if I'm poly. Or that it's all about sex.
You hate that people think it's all about the sex and that you're slutty or doing it for the sex. Yet, you're obviously having the same negative assumptions about polyamorous men. I don't think it's reasonable to expect people to realise there is more to polyamory than sex for you, as long as you keep assuming it's all about the sex for men.

So, I would work on keeping an open mind, and not assuming. Sure, some guys, mono or poly, will be thinking about the sex mostly or only. Others won't. Since your goals aren't sexual, look for those who share your goals, be clear about your goals so those who don't share them can move on, and move on yourself if you realise their goals don't match yours.
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