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Old 12-10-2012, 01:55 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,967

It is clear from your writing that you are not into swinging -- one type of open model relationship.Which is fine that you have this preference.

But you do not state this as something you want/need such as...
"I want/need to be in a relationship that is not swinging"
And this is still not stating it in terms of what you DO want. Something like...
"I want/need to be in a relationship that is polyamory and closed to X people. I do not want swinging."
Revisiting your original post... could it have been written to be more like this? Now that I know you are talking about swinging while wanting polyamory?

"I am having such a hard time with swinging. I had a perfectly happy monogamous marriage for 4 years. Then we had deep discussions and decided to try polyamory (I've never liked feeling caged in).

We were in a triad briefly which was nice but didn't last. I experienced compersion and was not jealous of them at all which was miraculous since I am such a jealous person.

Now we swing. We date others but live together.

I still despise a lot about swing. For instance, I feel like swinging men are all about notches on bedposts. I want to mean something to someone. I want someone to NEED me. I don't want to feel like I'm just another replacable lover. I despise the thought of stds. I hate that people think I am "easy" if I'm a swinger. Or that it's all about sex.

But I am insanely jealous and worry I will lose him to someone better or with a better body and my fear of these things or that he is happy w someone else or I am not good enough sexually for him eats at me.

Even though I am sexually experimental and into bdsm I still feel like a "good girl". I will never be a self-proclaimed slut. My virtue is important to me. I can count the number of ppl I've slept w on my fingers and I'm proud of that.

I want to close our relationship but then I will feel like I am caged in. I want to keep our relationship open to polyamory but closed to swinging for my sake but then when he starts dating people in a swinging context I get unstable w jealousy all over again.

I WANT to be ok with swinging. I WANT to work on my jealousy. And ive tried....Ive read books, gone to a therapist who is poly herself, and i've journaled. But I just cant make the jealousy disappear. I cant get rid of negative thoughts about swinging.

In a way I feel like swinging has ruined my life. Without it things were good enough. We were grateful for what we had. Now it feels like we will always be searching for something more and never perfectly happy."
Maybe you just are NOT going to "get ok" with swinging? If it is not your thing, it is not your thing.

Could you articulate that to your partner? Maybe something like
"I would like our relationship to close to swinging. I am open to exploring polyamory with you, but not swinging. I need relationships to mean something more than casual recreational sex.

I need to be able to feel safe with you as my lover. You engaging in swinging makes me feel physically unsafe because I worry about STDS and emotionally unsafe because I struggle with jealousy. Engaging in swinging when I do not want this for myself dings my self esteem.

I would like to be free of those worries and stopping swinging in our marriage would help reduce it considerably. Would you be willing to stop swinging in our marriage? "

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-10-2012 at 01:57 PM.
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