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Old 12-10-2012, 01:03 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 485

Originally Posted by Vinccenzo View Post
This word crisis; I do not think it means what you think it means.
- Inigo Montoya
English is not my first language, so please forgive any misuse of words. However, my dictionary says
an emotionally significant event or radical change of status in a person's life
My husband had just found out his GF was cheating on him and was trying to decide wether to break up with her or to forgive her and move on. Sounds like a crisis to me.

Posted by BoringGuy : I don't understand; did you WANT to be there for him or didn't you? It sounds like this "crisis" was inconvenient for YOU and you did NOT actually "want" to be there. You only AGREED to "be there" because he ASKED. Then you call it "pushing a boundary" and got all resentful about "this better not happen again or else". Doesn't sound like you "wanted' to be there at all, in fact the opposite. Meh.

I may be just weird, but to me being in a relationship means that I REALLY DO care about the person and want to be there for them (especially in a so-called "crisis"). The other person is not "pushing a boundary" when they need or ask for my help or support. I can't seem to wrap my mind around it when people consider supporting their partner through a difficult time to be "a big problem". Is your boyfriend going to dump you because you stayed with your husband to help him? Would you not expect either or both of them to help YOU through a "crisis"? Why bother being with someone if whenever there is an unpleasant situation they go "Wah! You're pushing my boundaries!"
BG, do you never experience any conflicting emotions? I do, all the time. Sometimes I want to be there for someone but it's not possible, because maybe I'm too emotionally drained to be able to support someone. Or there is another person who also needs me and I must choose. Recently, a friend who was having an affair asked for my support and I told her I could not support her the way she wanted me to until she told her husband what was going on. This doesn't mean I don't care about her. It means I have to make decisions about my life and actions based on what I believe in.

I wasn't 'resentful' when my husband asked for my support. The boundary he was pushing was that he was asking for my support to break up with GF one day, and for my support about his decision to stay with her, the next. I used this example in my OP to illustrate the point I was trying to make: that over the summer I realized a shift was taking place in my thinking about poly dynamics, and that instead of the husband-wife dyad that had been most important up until that point, I felt that it was about ME - the way I choose to distribute my time, love and energy.
It's no longer the case that the needs of my husband will always trump the needs of other loves. He was asking for this, to be 'the most important one', and I felt that if at some point he would make me choose, we would have a problem... where as 6 months earlier, I would have said ' of course! you are the most important person.'
Cleo - forties straight female
Ren - husband of 20 + years
Bo - BF of 3 years
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