I sympathise! I was having the same feeling recently on OK Cupid. I am a woman primarily looking for other poly women, and I am finding that tough. When I set my profile to bisexual, about 15-20 men message me every day and no women whatsoever. When I change it to 'gay', I still have to do the searching with women and I'm not coming up with a lot at all.
My girlfriend is a Dominant woman looking for submissive boys. They are ten-a-penny in the San Fran area. Like your OH, men flock to her.
Her husband was really struggling to get any contact with women online. I went in and edited his profile for him and changed some of his pictures. Since then, he's had to do most of the looking, but he's been getting some good replies, instead of no replies.
The changes I made were things like:
- his username had 69 in it, because it was the date of a vintage car he used to have. Changed that! Haha.
- he talked about his job too much and not a lot else
- he showed no passion for anything
- he seemed lukewarm about being poly
- at first, he didn't even say that he was poly, in case it scared women away
- under 'what are you doing with your life', he had put something like 'just making the best of it, I guess, lol' - I changed that and added more interests and joy
I think it's definitely true that women, in general, get more messages. It could be the stereotypical thing of 'men hunt, women like to be hunted'. I have not found many women who have been willing to do the hunting themselves.
It's also true that women can get inundated with messages that are impersonal, like other people have said. In a sea of 'hey, ur hot', you have to stand out by being genuine and, yes, talking about what you have read on their profile.
Also try changing your picture periodically. On FetLife, I used to have a picture of me from a distance, against a wall. I would rarely get messages. Now I have a closeup of my face, looking quite intense and Mistressy... hahaha... and I've had many more messages since then. Sometimes it's trial and error - what you think looks good may not attract people. Even if you do look good, not everyone will be attracted. Also, if you change it every few weeks, you are less likely to get skimmed over by people who have seen your picture before.
You are definitely welcome to send me a message with your username and I can check it out for you and maybe give you some pointers. But I totally understand if you want to remain anonymous!
me: female, 28
GF: my girlfriend, female, 38
Hubby: my metamour, her husband, 34
2 year, open poly V relationship, LDR