I like surveys of this kind. Let me try to answer the questions, as honestly and clearly as I can:
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Originally Posted by AggieSez
[*]Do you believe couple privilege exists? How would you define it? (Or how would you adjust my proposed definition?)
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Most certainly. Anyone part of a couple who wants to take on a poly relationship without believing that such privileges exist will be un-coupled in short order.
As for defining it, it is easy: when you are part of a long-term relationship, you cannot take decisions affecting the couple without consulting your partner, and taking his/her views into consideration. Couple privilege consists of taking decisions with your partner's view/opinions/feelings in mind.
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Originally Posted by AggieSez
How have you seen couple privilege manifest in poly/open relationships? (Examples)
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Yes. A V situation, with a man married to a long-term partner and a female unmarried friend. His wife has made some conditions, the other two seem to go along with them. He is a charming guy, he is worth the candle for both of them, it seems to me.
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Originally Posted by AggieSez
Is couple privilege harmful, neutral or beneficial in poly/open relationships, or in the poly/open community? Why or why not?
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Harmful or beneficial to whom? No couple (as I understand the term) can survive as a couple unless the partners consult each other and care about the other's opinions and feelings. As for the third party, he or she simply should not enter such a relationship unless (s)he is willing to accept, cheerfully, couple privilege. Reluctance and resentment do not a relationship make. In any case, wouldn't a third party have conditions of his/her own?
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Originally Posted by AggieSez
How has couple privilege affected your personal experience of poly/open relationships? Specific examples or personal stories are welcome.
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No experience yet, sorry. But I and my wife are intelligent and flexible people, I am sure we could work any reasonable problems out, after discussions with any reasonable third party.
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Originally Posted by AggieSez
How would you like to see couple privilege addressed in the poly/open community at large?
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More practical examples, less ideologizing.
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Originally Posted by AggieSez
If you are part of a primary couple that chooses to handle relationships with additional intimate partners in hierarchical ways that may seem to reinforce couple privilege, what is your rationale or intent for those choices?
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Aside from explaining the obvious significance of having shared my life with someone on a long-term basis, I wouldn't feel the need for giving a "rationale". Here is the situation, here are the obvious implications. If you can't live with them, too bad, but this won't work. There is always some room for negotiations, though.
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Originally Posted by AggieSez
If you eschew hierarchy and/or labels in your poly/open relationships, how do you “walk that talk” regarding couple privilege?
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I don't normally eschew hierarchy. I am not against what would traditionally be called a bigamous household with complete equality between my two wives, but this is not likely to happen. As for myself, I wouldn't become a "co-husband" in a million years.
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Originally Posted by AggieSez
If you are a non-primary partner or solo poly/open person, how have you adapted to couple privilege in terms of how you handle relationships and what you’re willing to accommodate?
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No experience, sorry. But I would adopt quite easily to being a non-primary partner (traditionally called a lover) of someone with a husband and family. And if I couldn't call her on Sunday, tant pis, I will think of something else to do.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AggieSez
To respond, please feel free to comment here, or on my blog post, or in a post of your own (send me the link), or e-mail me ( aggiesez@hotmail.com)
As with my previous crowdsourcing project, I'm open to input from anyone on this -- but I'm particularly keen on hearing from people who are non-primary partners in ongoing poly/open relationships, since our perspective usually isn't very prominent in discourse about polyamory.
If your respond, I'd appreciate if you’d clarify whether you identify as poly/open (or not), and whether you currently have a primary partner, and whether you currently are in a non-primary relationship. I’m happy to consider input from anyone, but that it crucial context for understanding your perspective. |
I am a married man, and agree wholeheartedly with most of the principles of the polyamory movement, as does my wife. Whether I can actually find a poly partner for myself is another matter - maybe yes, maybe no.