GalaGirl - I understand what you are saying. I'm just nervous about making Christmas severely awkward. Also, as I mentioned, the 1 year anniversary of his dad's death is coming up at the end of January and I worry that this, plus that will send him into a tailspin of depression. He hasn't really dealt with it yet and had a really hard time on Thanksgiving and his dad's birthday. That, and a part of me is a little scared that he will choose her so I'm being a chicken.
I can appreciate all that. But you are suffering here. Christmas is ALREADY awkward for you. Don't set him up to be blindsided later if you pop! From holding it in.
Just ask him "Hon, I want to set an appointment time to have serious conversation with you. I don't want to make Christmas awkward. I know Thanksgiving was already rough, and Dad's passing away anniversary is in Janaury. I want to respect all that and pace ourselves over busy holidays. But for my own needs, I need to have an appointment date so I know somewhere in there I will get attention too. So... my top 3 dates are somewhere in ___, ____, and ____. What's good for you for having serious relationship talk time? "
Then you have it on the calendar and there! You can relax a tiny bit. And he was included so he's not getting a blindsided moment. He knows (just like you!) that it is on the caledar.
The other reason is to address that last sentence. The chicken thing. Make appt and then you can show your chicken that YES! You can handle things anyway! "So shut up chicken! Pecking at me in my head!"
Sometimes taking action, even a tiny one like appt setting, can soothe ruffled feathers and stop what ifffing crazy from taking over. Alleviate a tiny bit of the suffering so you can start to feel a tiny bit better.
Hang in there.