polyq4 - Yes I do think I have the right to veto her. He is MY husband. Not hers. Boundaries changed once before, they can change again. There was never anything in our agreement that said that this was permanent and I resent this idea in the poly community that once you open up, you no longer have any say in what happens in your relationship. Marriage is not something that you just throw away or trivialize, to me. We made vows to each other and that is not something that I can just walk away from just because he is caught up in NRE. You're right, I can't control his behavior. But I can say that if he wants to remain married to me, he can no longer be with her. That's my boundary and he can react as he sees fit.
nycindie - we do have dates and we do set time aside for just us. Perhaps not as often as we should, due to money concerns, but it does happen. But because we also live in reality, our lives also include a lot of paying bills and day to day crap. My point is that he doesn't have to do any of that with her, it's all vacation and having fun and lots of sex.
Look, I would prefer to allow him to keep this relationship because them breaking up is going to cause a lot of drama (we are all part of a larger group so there is little chance of them having a clean break, we would have to see her again at group get togethers), but if having it is going to make him seriously consider leaving me for her then it's gotta go. I am 100% more important in this equation than she is. I know that's not the "poly" way of seeing things, but as I've stated several times in this thread, I have never considered us poly, just open. I'm the one he married, not her. I'm the one he promised to spend the rest of his life with, not her. I'm the one that has supported him nearly our entire relationship, not her.
GalaGirl - I understand what you are saying. I'm just nervous about making Christmas severely awkward. Also, as I mentioned, the 1 year anniversary of his dad's death is coming up at the end of January and I worry that this, plus that will send him into a tailspin of depression. He hasn't really dealt with it yet and had a really hard time on Thanksgiving and his dad's birthday. That, and a part of me is a little scared that he will choose her so I'm being a chicken.