I am having such a hard time w poly. I had a perfectly happy monogamous marriage for 4 years. Then we had deep discussions and decided to try poly (I've never liked feeling caged in). But I am insanely jealous and worry I will lose him to someone better or with a better body and my fear of these things or that he is happy w someone else or I am not good enough for him eats at me.
Our poly has been that we date others but we live together. We were in a triad briefly which was nice but didnt last. I experienced compersion and was not jealous of them at all which was miraculous since I am such a jealous person.
I still despise a lot about poly. For instance, I feel like poly men are all about notches on bedposts. I want to mean something to someone. I want someone to NEED me. I dont want to feel like I'm just another replacable lover. I despise the thought of stds. I hate that people think I am "easy" if I'm poly. Or that it's all about sex.
Even though I am sexually experimental and into bdsm I still feel like a "good girl". I will never be a self-proclaimed slut. My virtue is important to me. I can count the number of ppl I've slept w on my fingers and I'm proud of that.
I want to close our relationship but then I will feel like I am caged in. I want to keep our relationship open for my sake but then when he starts dating ppl I get unstable w jealousy all over again.
I WANT to be ok w poly. I WANT to work on my jealousy. And ive tried....Ive read books, gone to a therapist who is poly herself, and i've journaled. But I just cant make the jealousy disappear. I cant get rid of negative thoughts about poly. In a way I feel like poly has ruined my life. Without it things were good enough. We were grateful for what we had. Now it feels like we will always be searching for something more and never perfectly happy.
What can I do?