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Old 12-08-2012, 01:21 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,900

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
All I can say is that your husband needs to get it in his head that he doesn't own you just because he married you.

I never understand it whenever I read (and it happens often) that a couple gets into swinging because the husband is okay with his wife sharing her body with someone else, but will not tolerate her sharing her heart. To me, that indicates an enormous devaluing of women as whole people! It says, to me, that the man sees himself as owner of a woman and that he feels entitled to dictate that she let her body be used by whomever wants it, but yet she doesn't deserve all the love she can find in this world -- real, genuine love that comes her way. Claiming ownership or possession over someone is an obsession based on insecurity, and isn't very loving at all.
NYCindie - I've seen this idea expressed here before (perhaps by you) and get confused because it seems like you are conflating two different issues - an "ownership model of marriage" and "physical non-monogamy in the context of emotional monogamy" and coming to a conclusion "swinging is forced prostitution" that doesn't follow logically (for me).

Four years ago SHE suggests swinging to HIM, they give it a go, whether or not this is a successful experiment, I don't see where "he feels entitled to dictate that she let her body be used by whomever wants it."

Incidentally, it is not always men who are ok with their partners having outside sexual relationships but uncomfortable with outside romantic/emotional relationships (or vice versa as sometimes happens). I don't think this is a man/woman thing, I think it is an individual thing. (Largely based, I think, on one's view of sex as a "intimate bond-forming expression of love" or a "fun recreational exercise").

Leaving the swinging out of it, this situation seems like the struggles of a mono/poly pairing where the husband has never been comfortable with the "emotional non-monogamy" aspect and another person was brought into the mix before those issues were resolved (husband agrees to "try" a configuration that he is not happy about in an effort to please his wife).

There is no villain in this story, just three unhappy people with conflicting desires. Nobody is "wanting" to hurt anyone else, but "sacrificing" your own happiness for someone else's is not a good long term solution - you can't "make" someone else happy.

JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (25+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (7+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, ex-FWBs to SLeW, friends with MrS
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 12-08-2012 at 01:24 PM.
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