I haven't talked to him yet. I've been sorting through my feelings and while I'm still unsure, what I do know is that I'm not willing to give up my marriage without a fight. I didn't get married to just walk out when it gets tough.
I had been telling myself that it's better to wait until after Christmas to do all of this, plus we're coming up on the year anniversary of his dad's death, but now I'm finding myself picking fights with him (granted, discussion that needed to happen about unrelated day to day stuff, but I blew it up out of proportion to what the issue was) so I think maybe I should do this sooner rather than later or it's just going to eat at me.
What I've come up with so far is that I'm going to tell him what I found and ask if he still feels that way and go from there. I do think he needs to choose though. I have been ok with their relationship because I never felt that it was a threat to our marriage, but that has clearly changed. I have never felt like I or we are "poly" in the sense that all our relationships are equal and have always been vocal about my expectation that our marriage is primary and always comes first.
If he would prefer to be with/married to her, then I don't know that there is anything I can do about that. But if he's going to remain married to me, he can no longer be with her. I hate to draw that line because I know it will hurt him, but at the same time I can't live in a marriage where I'm constantly worried that he would rather be somewhere else.
Am I out of line on this? I understand that veto-ing a partner's partner is frowned upon in the poly community, but as I said, we have always been more "open" than "poly". I'm really struggling with how to handle this.
What kills me about this is that had he just been honest with me about the fact that he loves her, I wouldn't have had a problem with it. Also, I really can't understand how he could feel like he would prefer just her when he could have both of us, freely. I mean, WTF? I've always been so secure in his love, always so sure that he would NEVER cheat, that he would NEVER leave me, that he would always love me. I feel like a rug has been pulled out from under me. I've struggled for years with self-worth and depression, always feeling like I was undeserving of love. He's the one that really helped me with that, he made me feel lovable finally. And now he may not be in love with me anymore.
This is going to be a shitty fucking Christmas.