It's my birthday today. Very strange to get a happy birthday from the forum I moderate.
I'm sitting in the airport in Toronto on my way to meet up with Mono in his home city. Its been a quiet week without him and I am nervous about meeting up. I spent the week with my other loves and mostly by myself.
I had a wonderful birthday treat from Derby. She took us to a spa and we got a massage, and other wonderful pamperings. I was thrilled. I had several cries and was so grateful to her for her generosity and care.
I love her so much.
I allowed myself to root to the ground and reminded myself to give up my fears and lack of trust and replace them with love and acceptance of what is to come and what is. I used the time to be in my body and nurture myself. The energy I was holding in the form of fear, self hatred and regret disappeared for a time and I was free of it. It was all pulled out of me for that night. Afterward we went to a Thai restaurant and had a good laugh with our smeared makeup, tussled greasy hair and rosy skin. Such an amazing night
I have been doing my best to look after myself this last while by journaling, thinking, pondering small things and taking stock. I have been thiniing of ways to occupy myself in the future during the possible new time of not hanging out with Mono. Occasionally I panic and feel tremendous fear. I don't get a lot of reassurance from Mono about us being okay. He doesn't seem to let on anything of any substance and then I have to remind myself that he is on holiday and that he is having a good time while I am at work and life goes on. The space he has had is noticeable. For me its just been him absent. Then again, he doesn't communicate much anyway. I toss everything back and forth and don't settle on anything solid that makes me feel insecure and then I panic more. Its getting tiresome and I am almost to the point of just pushing all of it away. I worry that if I do too much I will push him away for good and throw my hands up. Patience, patience and waiting.
There have been useful moments of solitude where I have put myself in the shoes of him, the woman he was/is in love with and then myself. Its been useful to help me understand what his position is and how I possibly felt the same as he does at one point with Leo in my life. I don't know what she went and is going through, but I can imagine and that is good enough. It all boils down to knowing that I will be fine if I know the women he wants to be with and have a chance to find my own relationship with them, however remote. I continue to grapple with the secrecy he requires. The disposibility of the women he wants in his life and his lack of caring that they are cheating or that he would be as I won't consent.
So, here we go. Ready to see where we at. I don't know if we will get any further in figuring out what to do or not during this trip. I intend to go and enjoy myself regardless. Take in a city I have not been in before and take care of me as best I can.