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Old 12-07-2012, 08:21 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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You can't MAKE them feel anything. If that were possible, I would MAKE you feel good via your eyeballs reading my words. POOF! Instant feel-betterness!

Feelings don't have to be logical. But you could let THEM own their own feelings and their own emotional management. Instead of you taking it all on your own shoulders and making it be all about you holding up the burdens of the world.

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I guess, just, see above about confrontation being scary!
CONFIDENCE is grown by doing. So just speak up, find out it isn't a big deal, then you can get confident and get more relaxed taking up the space you do in this world.

It's like you have only two volumes -- hogging up all the space, taking on all burdens of the world. Or none at all -- you are less than a speck, not taking any responsibility. They are not mind readers. In relationship you are responsible for making your wants, needs, and limits known to your people!

Try to find balance in there. This "all or nothing" thing does not sound fun.

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I want to feel like I'm just as vital and essential to M and R as they are to each other; however, we're all aware that my moving away for grad school (or a volunteer program that I'm applying for) could cause our relationship to end prematurely. I don't want to... oh, I don't know... destabilize them or cause their relationship with each other to suffer should I not be around any more.
I don't know how to say this nicely. I apologize if it comes across as mean. I don't intend that at all.

But all that stuff? That's stinky thinking.

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I want to feel like I'm just as vital and essential to M and R as they are to each other;
They already SAID they honor you. Choose to believe them! Remember those blue words? You ARE vital and essential to them.

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we're all aware that my moving away for grad school (or a volunteer program that I'm applying for) could cause our relationship to end prematurely.
Why automatically just doom it at this point if you aren't there yet? That's your "all or nothing" volume knob speaking there. You could choose to LDR for a while until your studies are done and you move back.

For the record? I met DH in college and then he quit and moved back home. We carried on with Long distance. Then he moved back. I married him eventually. The relationship did not end just because of moving away temporarily. Friends of hours were attending grad school in different states. They flew home here to marry and then flew back to finish grad school. They visited throughout and then moved in together when both graduated. People can make things work.

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I don't want to... oh, I don't know... destabilize them or cause their relationship with each other to suffer should I not be around any more.

Here you assume negatives -- that your mere leaving for more studies is going to leave them a ruined wreck.

Since they entered this polyship with you, I assume positives -- that they are grown up people who can deal with Life. You going somewhere for more school is NOT going to cause the world to implode. They will miss you and look forward to you coming back from school. You could just long distance relationship for a time.

You? I mean this in a firm but kind way -- you could choose to stop being so self centered doomy gloomy in your thinking. If you need help on the HOW of that, you could choose to learn, get help, etc.

It's like the opposite side of the coin of "I'm so great! It is all about me!" person. It is the "I'm so horrible! It's all about me!" person. Whether from positive side or negative side -- the world still revolves around me!

So why go on with stinky thinking? You just cause yourself suffering in the mean while. You are not even gone yet. You color your present time with them with stink. For what? Are you having fun? Nope.

Try a new behave then. See if it works better for you. Worrying ahead of time is like praying for what you do not want. And worrying about the maybe tiger that is maybe up the road in the future? You are going to miss following the bend on the road today and trip down into the ditch! From not paying attention to the here and now of what IS for losing yourself in what MIGHT BE.

That's not effective emotional management. Could get your head out of the worry clouds and back down to earth. Could get that "all or nothing" volume knob better balanced. Then perhaps you could feel better. *hugs*

Don't spend time feeding anxiety monkey. Feed inner zen kitty. I joke to keep it light -- but I'm not minimizing your feelings. It is HARD to change long worn grooves of old thinking patterns. But they can be changed. You can do it! I believe in you.

Hang in there.
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-08-2012 at 02:06 AM.
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