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Old 12-07-2012, 07:07 PM
opalescent opalescent is online now
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 2,097

Originally Posted by PolyLinguist View Post
As I already said elsewhere, such episodes happened with me, very occasionally. Since I analyse everything, I have analysed the circumstances under which such sexual encounters can happen: the woman likes you, trusts you, and the desire to have sex with me hits her, right there and then. I won't say no, why would I? It doesn't hurt. But it's her choice. Should I as much as touch a woman friend "inappropriately", when she doesn't feel like it, would quite possibly damage the friendship, and it could easily label me as a creep.

And no, you can't really discuss this kind of thing openly. If you start discussing it, it is becoming a relationship, with expectations.
Originally Posted by PolyLinguist View Post
As for the five ways of giving love, I'll get to that discussion some other time. I do consider such things mumbo-jumbo - the inclusion of "quality time" is a red flag for me. I encountered it when I was raising my kinds, and it made me angry. All time spent with your kids is quality time. If I study Japanese while they play on Nintendo it is quality time - they know their father is trying to maintain his intelligence rather than let it run down, and this will make them think (eventually). It is hard to imagine what time I spend in the company of my wife would not be quality time. When I sleep, maybe? Or take a shower?

Anyway, don't let me continue on this, I just get angry and then get your backs up! I am not North American by birth, and managed to escape psycho-babble in my upbringing.
I've hightlighted the bits of the postings I wanted to discuss. First, you seem to have an odd, from my perspective, reluctance to discuss relationship type issues with women (or perhaps anyone). Of course you can talk about it! Why not? A friendship is a relationship. And friendships come with expectations.

I respect and understand your desire not to infringe on boundaries, and your wish not to be creepy. But the way to non-creepy WHILE also possibly leading to lovely sexual interactions with friends is to talk about it with said friends. I do not get why people are so reluctant to talk. I do, my friends do. Yes, it is hard and awkward and weird. But it is necessary. You might have missed out on some opportunities because of not talking about the possible attraction.

I do not disagree with your statement on North America and pop psychology. There is a lot of dreck out there. However, I have an experiment for you.

Read the Five Love Languages book. Take the test. See which ones you score highest in. See if your spouse and maybe your children will take the test and see what love languages they use. If they won't, do the experiment by yourself. (There are several free online tests for the Five Love Languages. Just google the book title. The book is readily available in most library systems or via Amazon or local bookstore.) Suspend your disapproval and distrust of such psycho-babble while reading and testing.

Now, behave like you have bought into the Five Love Languages analysis. Notice when and how you most feel loved and when and how you show love. Notice when how they react to when you show love to your spouse or children. Do they notice you were showing them love? Do they thank you? Do they respond similarly? Do they respond more positively if you show love in one way versus another (i.e. spending time with them vs. gifts vs. doing something for them)? See if applying the five love languages provides any insights into how you send out and receive love back from others. See if applying it provides insight into how your loved ones perceive getting love and how they show others love.

Now you may not get much out of the concept. But I challenge you to give it a sincere try.

I have found it to be an incredibly useful set of concepts. Using it has provided me with useful explanations of other's, and my own, behavior.
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