View Single Post
  #3  
Old 12-07-2012, 04:07 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,854
Default

I am sorry you are hurting.

He seems to have the faucet belief. Does he? Emotions are not the on/off faucet you can turn on and off at will (If this were so, he could turn off his yucky feelings faucet and be over this, right?)

Husband "does not want to share you emotionally." Feelings ensue after behavior. You guys chose to Open. Here comes lots of feelings for everyone!

He could accept that yes, right now in a "V" configuration he DOES share you emotionally with BF. That part just IS. Can go on all day about not wanting to share you. But here it is. ACCEPT that part.

The behavior of his he can control at this point?
  • He could continue to participate in a polyship "V" shape. He could choose to be in relationship with you in a V and let go of this emotional faucet idea. Choose to change a belief and/or choose to change his emotional management style or approach to something that serves him better. Then see what new feelings ensue from taking that behavior change option. Maybe he could do more page 5 things and ask you to do more page 6 things for jealously management.
  • He could choose to stop participating. He could ask you direct to end it and return to monogamy if you are willing to end it. Then face the next step after that and whatever feelings may ensue -- waiting for your response.
  • He could choose to stop participating. He could choose to break up with you. Then face the feelings that ensue from that.
  • He could do some other thing I cannot think of. What are HIS suggestions? Or is there also the expectation that you as hinge solve all things?

What behavior is there for YOU that you could do? You could just ask him rather than waiting for him to bring it up. Get the communication ball rolling yourself. Maybe it could be something like...
"I see you hurting. I care for you. Clearly something must change. Where does your willingness lie?
  • Are you willing to stay in a "V" shape thing with me? And do the work required to get it to a harmonious "V" relationship?
  • Are you wanting to close back down to a duo?
  • Are you wanting to break up with me?
  • Are you wanting some other thing I cannot think of?

Here's where MY willing it at:
  • I am willing to be in a harmonious "V" -- I am not willing to be in a "V" that is suffering. We must address this. I am willing to do my part of the work.
  • I am not willing to close back down to a duo. I do not want to break up with BF.
  • If you want to break up with me, I am not happy. But I cannot force you to stay where you are not fed. I love you, and I cannot do that to you. Are we negotiating a break up here?
  • Do you have other ideas for improving this situation that I have not thought of? I am willing to talk. Where does your willingness lie? Where are your wants, needs, and limits?
"
Then see what he says. Get the communication ball rolling so you all can move toward your next future happiness. Either all three together, all three single, or something in between.

Staying stuck here is no good. Prolongs suffering for all.

So let's talk and move this forward. Wherever it is that it will go. "Unstick" yourselves.

Hang in there!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-08-2012 at 02:11 AM.
Reply With Quote