Help... I feel like a terrible person
Background: Husband and I married for 17 years monogamously. Me, being the restless spirit that I am, suggests 4 years ago "swinging". After much contemplation he agrees and we begin. Instantly we see differences. We both enjoy the friendships that we made but I seem to need the relationship aspect of it all. Through a few situations I "realize" (something that I knew in but didn't see my whole life) that I am indeed poly (on the conservative side, closed relationships, no casual recreational sex)
Please keep in mind our conversations have remained very open and honest. None of any even came as a surprise.
Last Jan. quite unplanned and very unexpected I met and fell deeply in love with what I believe to be another soul mate. (Husband being one of course) Husband sees and most importantly feels this and the tug of war began. While he was content sharing me physically he is NOT ok with sharing me emotionally. My boyfriend (I lovingly gave the title of my other-other) cautiously begins this relationship with me with eyes wide open. Well aware I would never “choose” between the two… I am not wired that way. After months of talks, tears, and even some arguments Husband agrees to “try” to be ok with this.
For me 6 months of bliss. The happiest most content I think I may have ever been. Other-other spends a good deal of time around our family and starts feeling like a part of our group. His eldest and my eldest (19, 22) children are told and are very accepting and supportive. The balance of time is quite difficult though because husband still very much has a possessive quality about time (overnights, multiple times during a week visits, etc.) This causes problems with other-other (rightfully so) he is unable to really plan time with me (now his official primary and proclaimed only one) Other-other does suffer from insecurities as well as still healing from other hurtful relationships in the past. I make it in deeper with him than any other woman ever has. He is certain I am the person he is supposed to spend his life with and is eager to make this V-triad work. Husband reluctantly even likes other-other. They become friends and watch football, work on things around house together, etc. Sounds fabulous, right?
Husband is still not ok with sharing me this way… our relationship is faltering because he is putting up his own walls and I am unable to reach him. He becomes very miserable and I start feeling like a child in a terrible custody battle. He honestly tells me he feels as though a part of him is “dying” and this weighs heavily on me. My primary loyalty ultimately lies with him. Leaving me feeling “forced” to make the decision to break up with other-other, at Christmas time!
Now I am a mess. Other-other is a mess. And husband sees this and hopes his love will ultimately be enough to get me through this. What I have done to my other-other is akin to a Ty-fighter making it to the center of the Death Star and blowing the whole thing to smithereens. I am left feeling nothing but guilt, shame, and self-loathing that my actions hurt anyone. I don’t think I can ever forgive myself. I feel myself becoming darker. I cannot enjoy the holidays because I know other-other will spend them alone and broken hearted because of me. Husband trying so hard to “love” me through this but I can’t bring myself to connect with him. I have never felt like this in my life.
Are we damned to this circle for the rest of our lives? If I get “my way” then he will be hurting and denying the part of him that desires our monogamous life again. But with him getting “his way” I will be hurting and denying something I fully believe is a part of the genuine me. Add to this the fact other-other will most likely never fully recover from this and (this isn’t out of ego, this is with factual knowledge based on history and what I know of him) he may never let anyone that close to him again to be loved or love. I spend the rest of my life knowing I essentially “destroyed” someone because I couldn’t give him what wasn’t mine since husband held on for dear life.
This is as abbreviated as I could. Clearly there are plenty of other issues lending to all of this, but this is the basic jist. I’d like to crawl under a rock… my heart is in shambles.
Anyone? Anything? Please?
~Life is not about finding yourself. It is about CREATING yourself.