Not happy stuff from yesterday.
Conversation with Airyn Wednesday night after sending the email to Chipmunk, after Airyn had been dealing with Chipmunks stress, and tears.
He and I talked, he was sad, and hurt. Feeling like she was leaving for good, and telling me that he has been trying to detach himself from her for the past few weeks. That he's preparing for her to leave. I told him he was the one being negative. That she can choose to stay, and work on herself, or she can go. I also told him that her going does not have to be the end of THEM.
We talked about some possibilities for her moving out, that he doesn't see her as being able to make the changes, or work at them. That she's not careful of herself, and is too trusting of others. That he worries, and fears for her safety if/when she moves out. Walking home late at night, or getting a ride from someone at work. We talked about how this is how people survive. Learning who they can and can not trust. I pointed out to him that he has been telling her that he is the ONLY one she can trust instead of talking to her, teaching, and showing her how to find peole that can be trusted. It was a leaghty conversation. I eventually started getting angry and told him we needed to talk about something else.
So here's part of our conversation after that.Not all of it, but some of it.
I told Airyn that I wanted to share a memory with him, that I had written a sad email to him, but that I have no intention of sending it, but that I'd like him to read the memory. He was agreeable. And this is what I sent:
When we were younger we broke up for a time. Before you started dating Jenna. You set up a cot for me in your room. I remember watching you sleep, playing with your hair, touching your face. I was so sad, hurt. I felt that you still loved me, but didn't know if you would ever share that love with me again. I was scared. And there was still so much passion between us. I remember most nights you'd pull me into your bed anyway. You would be upset afterwards, and tell me harshly that I'm easy and a habit you can't break and that you want me out. But it was that passion that kept me hopeful.
Today I still enjoy watching you sleep holding you. Stroking your hair, rubbing your back, neck, shoulders. Touching as much of you as I can. That passion though, it's not the same. I'm confused, I know that you still love me, but often I don't feel that passion coming from you any more. It makes me sad, and worried. I want to be happy, and I want you to be happy. Most of the time we aren't happy in this current relationship. We have good times, and good days, but there are more sad moments, and harsh times.
I'm done bending, and contorting to allow this relationship between you and Christina. You told me after I officially ended things with Christina that you may be asking to much of me. That you are hopeful we can make it work for a few months (6 at that time) till we move. I don't feel like there will be much left of ME if things continue in this way.
I told you after the roommate comment that I was tired. Tired of being last on your mind, tired of this relationship, tired of working so hard for small reasonable things. Just Tired of it all.
I want you to be happy, but I also want to be happy myself. I have not been truly happy for far too long, and I'm tired. I need peace, I need love, and contentment. I had that once, and I want it again. I want it with you, but I can not make you happy any more. We used to be happy together. Now I only know happiness for the short periods we have alone, when something hasn't happened to shatter that.
I don't want to find, or be with a women as much as I want you to love me. I want you in my life, I want to feel cared about, appreciated, loved, and cherished by you. This life we live now was not what we wanted, it isn't what we talked about, what we agreed to, or what we should have now. It's what you continue to cling to even when it became clear that it was not working a long while ago. I'm not leaving you. It's you who has left me in many ways.
You have grown distant It's not just one or two things recently. It is a lot of things over time, for a long while. If she leaves, and it will make you happy to go with her, then you should do that. All I expect if you do is that you still be willing to co-parent with me. ok
First he said, "I'm sure you'll have all that."
Then he told me that moving out with Chipmunk was never an option, it is only me who has thought that it was. That he has never considered it. That he and I are together, that it is comsic, metaphysical.
Here'se things went from there (gmail chat):
Airyn: I said I'm sure you'll have all that because I am... You're reading too much into it. Being sad about Chipmunk leaving is far from wanting to leave with her. Being uncomfortable in our situation and distant is far from not wanting to be with you.
me: It leave me little to cling to in my part of this situation.
I feel like I'm grasping at threads. like your slipping away.
I keep saying I'm not going any where
that I'm still here
what I'm not saying is that I see you leaving
I'm not saying you don't love me, just that you may find you don't want to share that love with me any more.
It scares me.
Airyn: You're taking little things like someone being hungry and coming up with a famine. You may feel foolish in a few months after she' left and everything is just like it was before.
me: it makes me sad
you are usually right.
that nightmare I told you about.
It's my biggest fear right now.
that I'll come home
and you'll just be gone.
your things, and even Wolf gone
An empty house, an empty bed, an empty life
I cry in the car when I leave for work, and on my way home
I have to go I have to get up and walk
it's to much and I can't think
From there we went to texting. I told him I didn't feel so good. That I was going to wash my face, and get out and do some of the physical work that is being asked of me right now.
He said, "okay I hope you feel better."
Then he took some time during the day while Chipmunk was going through her stuff, to ask if i was ok. Checking in with me to see how I was feeling. It was not a good day for me in general. I knew that he anc Chipmunk would need to talk. I told him the night before that I would try to stay out of the way so that they could have the space she would need.
I went for a walk, they argued at the house. Then Airyn messaged me saying he was going to take her out to do the holiday shopping she wants, asked if i was ok. Told me they were on their way out and that I should come home now. I told him I was sitting in a park not far from home with my knitting. I knit it's relaxing, and I have a list of projects I want to do. Plus a good long walk helps when your thoughts and emotions are in a swirl.
Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).
No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.
Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
Last edited by Numina; 12-07-2012 at 09:55 AM.