Thanks for the support, ThatGirlinGray and others.
I let J. IM with me last night. I didn't want to talk to him but he accused me via email of hiding from him, not letting him speak to me (because I hadn't signed into gchat for a few nights, I guess), so I signed in and let him talk to me there. He told me the following:
1. He had always felt insecure in our relationship. I had actually known that. Like most women who have an online profile or two on dating sites, I routinely have men online soliciting me for casual sex that I don't want. J. was well aware of that because I used to show him the more amusing examples of "Hey, babe, I'm a horny guy, want to hook up RIGHT NOW???" For some reason, men offering me casual sex, translated, for J., to "She has a lot of guys after her, why would she want me?" He even said once or twice that he feared I was only with him until someone "better" came along. I stopped showing him those silly emails at some point in the relationship, for that reason.
I have spent the last five months with J., since my feelings for him deepened, telling him that I loved him, that I found him very attractive, that I enjoyed his company, that we had a good time in bed, that our relationship was working fine for me after a somewhat bumpy start. I thought my words of affirmation would abate his fears of abandonment. I guess they did not.
2. He said that my refusal to engage with his wife in the confrontation she was attempting to create (since I did not answer any of her abusive emails), made his love for me "wither." But I know he would not have been happy if I called her on any of her bullshit and pointed out her attempts at control of both of the relationships I was in, the one with J. and the one with my husband. J. made it clear that what he wanted me to do was be conciliatory to her. I could not do that and remain true to myself, even if I allowed myself to get sucked into drama with toxic unbalanced people, which I do not.
A good friend of mine heard about this and said, "He just walked away because it was easier to walk away and move on to the next thing. And no, he didn't love you, and probably never did."
The last time J. and I slept together, two and a half weeks ago, we fluid bonded. We had talked about it for months beforehand, and I was so excited that we did. While fluid bonding is mostly a practical thing for me, it is also something I have only done once before outside of my marriage, and I would only have ever considered doing it in a very serious relationship, as I thought mine with J. was.
I can't be his friend. I said something very bitter about how he should move on to his next disposable fucktoy, and then I signed out and made sure he couldn't contact me again.
I am hoping that we won't run into each other ever again, but, with my luck, he'll probably make a point of hitting every poly social event he knows I go to from now on (none of which he had ever attended until I brought him), along with his wife and probably the next flavor of the year too. Sigh.
Last edited by persephone; 12-07-2012 at 01:19 PM.