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Old 12-07-2012, 08:29 AM
Numina Numina is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 139
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
A few days a week is inattention? I would call it a normal boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. Living together right off the bat is what is odd. Anyway, if she moved out and had to be self-sufficient, and then broke up with Airyn because of that, it would only prove she's just using him for a place to stay. Why would he want to still be involved with someone like that anyway? I question this love of theirs, seriously.

Yeah... she doesn't have a boyfriend. She has a daddy that she fucks in order to avoid the real world.
Sorry for such harsh words.

LOL, no, honey, being unreasonable is certainly not your downfall! I think it's exactly your reasonableness that makes your blog a bit difficult to read. I think many of us wish you would get angry a little more often. I could never put up with everything you put up with, and I don't know many others who would, either. Hang in there! Maybe Airyn will open his eyes and see what's really going on, without blaming you.

Your not being harsh, your stating what I've been seeing, and trying to say to Airyn. I told Airyn once that I'm waiting for him to wakeup and see what's really there. I have felt up till his Mom visted for Halloween that I couldn't say a whole lot about how she treats him, and what I see. I felt that it would be like telling your best friend that you know her boyfriend is cheating on her. Usually you hear how that ends poorly, and the best friend accuse you of trying to get in the middle of her relationship, or of trying to steal her boyfriend. I didn't want to be that person.

But when Airyn's mom had the same complaints, and saw the same things I did. I told Airyn that when two of the important people in his life are seeing, and saying the same things then maybe he should pay attention, listen, and start doing something about it. As you can see that conversation didn't go any where. As I'm the one who is point all these things out to Chipmunk, and telling her to change her tune.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
Oh sweetie I do wish you'd been taking some of the advice you've been getting. I know this is a blog and not a regular thread but I think that the problem is that you aren't putting responsibility in the right place. Emailing that to Chipmunk isn't going to do anything, who a letter like that should've gone to is Airyn. I think the only email that really needed to go to Chipmunk is a "these are the chore and financial agreements that you need to keep up with as a roomate"
Airyn has heard it all before, none of what was in that email was new to him. He then read what I said, and was in complete agreement. I'll write a seprate post to talk about where things are now. Airyn is with me on every point I was making.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
Most of this wouldn't be a problem at all if you and Airyn had made appropriate agreements and boundaries between yourself. If you sit down with him and he agrees to things that will make you feel you are getting what you need from him (set date nights where its just you two, staying home at lunch to be with you instead of going off to bring Chipmunk lunch, taking turns holding hands with each of you when you are out, or WHATEVER it is you want) and he upheld his end, there wouldn't be a problem
We had NO boundaries, or agreements between he and I when we went into this. It was a mistake. The one boundary that I asked for as things moved forward was crossed multiple times. Some one said that after that I gave up making boundaries. Maybe I did. I have started to insist on certain things however, and will have to enforce what I am asking for.

Changing habits, and breaking bad ones is hard, and time consuming. I know I have a lot of work to do. I have told Airyn that he and I need to work on US, and that he also needs to work on himself. No one likes hearing that, so he was resistant at first. Then one day he and I were talking, and he started using terms, and knowledge I had shared with him from these forums. That's when I saw he was willing to learn, and grow from this. It's a long slow crawl, and I can see some progress where he is concerned. Life is difficult, and I can see it getting better.

One way or a other things will change. I have told them both very as clearly as I am able (at this moment) that change HAS to happen in order for this to continue.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I don't know if you have the "Opening Up" book, but I really think you two need to sit down and hash out some boundaries today from the ground up, and then I think you both need to stick to them. It just seems like nobody is stopping an imminent explosion.
I think you both made a big mistake not letting her move out when she said she wanted to, and I don't know why you are all still in the situation. I want to reflect something back to you, and ask you to really think about it. This is part of your email to Chipmunk.

I see you failing to provide clear communication to Airyn, and him not providing clear communication to Chipmunk, I see you and Airyn failing a lot of the things on those lists. You are trying to fix Chipmunk before you are fixing yourselves, and this is why you are not going to have much luck. I am not sure why you aren't demanding more from your husband and asking for and getting what you need, but until he (and you) shift your focus for being accountable for taking care your relationship with each other, I don't imagine this is going to start going in a positive direction.
I have seen that book title in other place on these forums, but do not have a copy of it yet. I did follow a link from GalaGirl that was sadly broken, but had to do with that book. I actually have a list of books that I want to own, read, and learn from that I have heard about via these forums.

You are right about my needing to work on Communication, and Airyn needing to also. I am, he is starting to, and we are. What I am doing with Chipmunk is telling her that she has too also. That she has to start working on these things. I did admit to my needing to work on things also. I was not laying everything down on Chipmunk, or at least I was trying not to.

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Thank you two. I need to hear these things. It helps keep me in perspective. More to come I'll be sharing shortly how things are currently going.
__________________
Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
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