Gia told me today that Bee's been asking for me when I'm not around. She said that, last night, he picked up a toy that he and I had recently played with and said "Anna, Anna?" to her and Eric. They told him "Sorry, no Anna." Then he went to door and said my name again and looked at them, as if maybe if they opened the door I'd be there.
Just typing the story out, I can feel things shifting in my chest. Simple pleasure at being loved in such an uncomplicated way by someone that I also love. Sadness and a sense of wrongness that he should have to miss me, that I can't just be there with him all the time. Lots of complicated emotions around the idea of family, lots of unanswerable questions about where things might be going. I try not to get too worked up, try not to overthink too much. Yes, Bee loves me, of course he does, it's lovely and I can and should cherish it, but it changes nothing, except, perhaps inasmuch as it ties us all just a little closer.
Ties... but what ties are there, aside from affection, affinity, history, and understanding? Ha, that's no insignificant list when I write it out! And yet, even while so much about my relationships with these people is so wonderful, it's also terrifying, on a certain level, to love so deeply and to not have something tangible to hold on to, like a shared bank account or a commitment ceremony or a role that other people recognize. I don't think it's something we're ready for in the present moment, but I do think it's something I'm wanting more and more...
Eric mentioned to me that he's started a blog of his own. Like Gia and I have been doing, he's looking to explore his sexuality. Whereas she and I are just musing about what we find sexy and why, he specifically has the goal of trying to build a greater comfort with the idea of vulnerability, which he currently has a lot of trouble with. The idea of a more vulnerable, open, and self-aware Eric... wow. I'll be frank, it makes me wonder if he could ever change enough to be open to loving someone other than Gia. For what is a resistance to loving others if not a resistance to vulnerability?
Ugh, I feel so stupid for still holding any wishes and hopes related to him. I don't think I actually even want anything to change in our relationship, is the funny thing. I just want... I suppose I want him to look at me the way I know that I sometimes look at him when he's not looking. I want to mean something special in his heart. I don't mind being vulnerable, generally, but it's kind of terrible to be vulnerable to someone who's not vulnerable in the same way to you. Mostly I've built up enough armour when it comes to him that it's fine, it doesn't ache to be around him the way it once did. Wondering if things could change feels dangerous, because maybe it threatens that armour.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.