Now that I'm here, I thought I would seek some much-needed advice and insight.
Though my mff triad — as I described in my introduction
— is generally a wonderful part of my life, I still can't help but struggle with certain aspects of the relationship — most notably the subject of this thread; that is, that my partners, after a number of years together (I'm the newbie), have gotten engaged. As strongly as I feel that this is the right choice for them
, it's still a source of anxiety for me
, particularly since their well-established relationship (and live-in situation, whereas I live apart from them and can't see them as often) already sometimes leaves me worried about being an "equal partner" in the relationship.
Now for a bit of background info/details. My triad is made up of me (23, f, bi/pan), R (30, f, bi), and M (30, m, straight). This is relationship is our first experience with polyamory.
Aspects of the relationship I consider well-balanced or otherwise satisfying
I seem to fill both a sexual and emotional niche in the relationship.
- R prefers softer sensations and is very subby; M is happy to accommodate; however, he enjoys the diversity of my own rather opposite preferences (I'm generally a switch, and prefer sexual aggressiveness). I also have a higher libido than R. Basically, we pick up each other's slack!
- Emotionally, I'm more empathetic and people-savvy than M, which is invaluable to R (she likewise understands me extremely well); however, M and I relate to one another's sometimes hyper-analytic mindsets.
- This relationship has been my first opportunity to explore my interest in bondage. Yay!
- I find it very neat that I personally feel I could not
be satisfied dating just R or just M; with just M, I would be left unfulfilled emotionally, and with just R the relationship would not be sexually compatible. It doesn't bother me that my feelings for M and R are progressing in different ways and at different paces; it would be unrealistic for it to be any other way, and I love what I get from each of them. (I consider myself to be "in love" with R, and more "in lust" with M.)
Also, despite my initial angst over R and M's engagement, I've since confessed my insecurities to R, and she shared with me that she and M had already researched options for all three
of us committing to one another as much as current social constructs allow. I don't know the relationship will go that far, but I'm so touched and honored by that.
Aspects of the relationship I consider unbalanced or dissatisfying
- While I like the sex we do
have, I would like there to be more of it, but I am unsure how to address the issue. Since I can't see them every day, I think of my time with R and M as precious, so it is frustrating to come over and more often than not only get, as far as sexual stimulation goes, to sleep in bed with them.
- More trickily (since the above issue could probably be resolved if I just grit my teeth and told them how I feel), I worry a lot about the fact that our age difference is enough to put us at different places in our lives. R and M are have lives and careers, and I'm just finishing up college and looking into work and grad school.
- Related to that/an extension of it is the fact that R and M are, as stated, engaged now, something that emphasizes the gap in our experiences and also makes them the primary or "real" relationship in the eyes of society. In this respect, I sometimes struggle with feeling jealous of what they have with each other.
I guess I'd like to hear from you all about how best to resolve my own feelings of insecurity and "left out"-ness — of their more full-fledged lives, of their history together, of feeling like the less "real" girlfriend/partner. To what extent are these true problems that I'm describing, and to what extent are they simply the products of my own anxieties and newness to poly dynamics? Is it possible to maintain a relationship with this age and experience difference?