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Old 12-07-2012, 12:53 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
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Oh sweetie I do wish you'd been taking some of the advice you've been getting. I know this is a blog and not a regular thread but I think that the problem is that you aren't putting responsibility in the right place. Emailing that to Chipmunk isn't going to do anything, who a letter like that should've gone to is Airyn. I think the only email that really needed to go to Chipmunk is a "these are the chore and financial agreements that you need to keep up with as a roomate"

Most of this wouldn't be a problem at all if you and Airyn had made appropriate agreements and boundaries between yourself. If you sit down with him and he agrees to things that will make you feel you are getting what you need from him (set date nights where its just you two, staying home at lunch to be with you instead of going off to bring Chipmunk lunch, taking turns holding hands with each of you when you are out, or WHATEVER it is you want) and he upheld his end, there wouldn't be a problem

I don't know if you have the "Opening Up" book, but I really think you two need to sit down and hash out some boundaries today from the ground up, and then I think you both need to stick to them. It just seems like nobody is stopping an imminent explosion.

I think you both made a big mistake not letting her move out when she said she wanted to, and I don't know why you are all still in the situation. I want to reflect something back to you, and ask you to really think about it. This is part of your email to Chipmunk.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Numina View Post

Above all:
You are an adult, you are responsible for your actions, for your inaction's, for your communication, for your miscommunication, and lack of communication. You are responsible for owning how you feel, and discussing what you want/need.

-----------------------------------------------
I value people's worth/dignity. It demands respect. In relationship I want

PARTNERS HAVE RIGHT TO:
Clear communication
Expect support from partner
Be nurtured
Get needs met
Responsiveness
Constructive feedback
Constructive conflict resolution

PARTNERS EACH BE RESPONSIBLE FOR:
Know and state needs, wants and limits
Follow thru on promises
Know the math tiers in this config
Your own and your partner's healths: mental, emotional, physical, spiritual
Emergency preparedness
Care for own equipment/stuff
Tell if keeping a confidence can hurt someone/is hurting someone
I see you failing to provide clear communication to Airyn, and him not providing clear communication to Chipmunk, I see you and Airyn failing a lot of the things on those lists. You are trying to fix Chipmunk before you are fixing yourselves, and this is why you are not going to have much luck. I am not sure why you aren't demanding more from your husband and asking for and getting what you need, but until he (and you) shift your focus for being accountable for taking care your relationship with each other, I don't imagine this is going to start going in a positive direction.
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