Last night, after taking a few days to basically write down every single concern and feeling (2 pages, typed) I have- both positive and negative -about opening our marriage, I asked my wife to sit down and talk.
Because I knew she has been feeling guilty for all the heartache I've been experiencing, I started by explaining that all the feelings/concerns I wrote vary in degrees depending on a lot of different factors. I asked her not to react, but just to listen.
As she read, she started with the negatives and I found that we shared several of the fears and insecurities that I had recorded. She made her way through, commenting here and there about what she thought and pointing out things she felt were false (things I shouldn't be fearful of).
The positives were probably best for last; it changed the tone of the discussion to a much more objective perspective for both of us. My wife seemed to understand that despite my fears, I was trying to understand her, even if I'm not ready to fully embrace polyamory. That seemed to be very meaningful to her.
I asked her what her intentions were for the near future and she told me she would not be moving forward with anyone until I was 100% comfortable and agreed to it. She said I was the most important person in her life and she would never want to lose me. Hearing this for the first time in over a year was probably the single most grounding thing I've ever experienced. It certainly diminished the fears I've been having. She also told me she would understand if I couldn't agree to polyamory and that she wouldn't leave me for that decision. This erased the pressure I've been feeling and I feel much more free.
I hope in the coming weeks and months to read as much as possible on this site and others and to create a dialogue with those of you who have experienced something similar. I'm trying to keep and open mind and understand what polyamory is and how it can be for a couple like us. I know many of the posts seem to imply that you are either poly or your not. Trying new things is interesting to me, but I still have reservations- I've been monogamous for almost 13 years.
Has anyone in a monogamous relationship had polyamory suggested by a spouse and eventually decided it was for them, too? What was the journey like?