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Old 12-06-2012, 08:58 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern Cali
Posts: 552

Well written blog post. I'll do my best.

Originally Posted by AggieSez View Post
[*]Do you believe couple privilege exists? How would you define it? (Or how would you adjust my proposed definition?)
I think your definition works well. I think the "presumption" and "default" parts are particularly important. For myself, I do not see my relationship with my husband as more valid or more important than my relationship with my partner. But I'm well aware of the protections I'm afforded because MC and I chose to get the piece of paper: medical insurance, tax benefits, legalities of property ownership and child custody, etc. That's exactly why we chose to get the piece of paper, since we didn't need it for our own recognition of the commitment we'd made to each other. It saddens and angers me that even when TGIB joins our household he will not be able to be included in the protections the rest of our family will automatically enjoy.
Originally Posted by AggieSez View Post
[*]How have you seen couple privilege manifest in poly/open relationships? (Examples)
The only other poly person I know in person is pretty much doing the solo poly thing, dating two men who are each dating only her, so except for my own experiences I don't have any examples of couple privilege or lack thereof in poly relationships.
Originally Posted by AggieSez View Post
[*]Is couple privilege harmful, neutral or beneficial in poly/open relationships, or in the poly/open community? Why or why not?
Overall I would say harmful due to the lack of thoughtful examination and deliberateness inherent in the proposed definition of couple privilege. If communication is the key to successful poly, assumptions are the downfall of it. Introspection is also part of this, as you can't know where your boundaries are if you don't know what you do and don't want from a relationship.
Originally Posted by AggieSez View Post
[*]How has couple privilege affected your personal experience of poly/open relationships? Specific examples or personal stories are welcome.
I'm quite strong-willed and usually argue logically, so from the beginning MC and I discussed not only our boundaries but the reasons behind them. Some boundaries had to do with respecting my husband and the time I spent with him, because I wanted to, not because I was afraid he would leave me if I didn't. And for years I was perfectly okay with the boundary of not sleeping with other people, because I did not want to risk getting pregnant with someone else's child (and I'm really fricking picky anyway. I can only think of 3 people I wanted to sleep with but didn't due to pregnancy risk, and 2 of those I'm just as glad now, looking back, that I didn't!). Once I was done having kids and my pregnancy risk dropped significantly, AND I developed a relationship with TGIB where sleeping together was something we wanted to incorporate into our relationship, the boundary changed. It took some time for MC to get used to the idea, being a new thing and all, so we didn't rush anything, but ultimately we got to a place where everyone was content with the outcome. Because, to me, IF couple privilege exists in my relationships (and I can't prevent all of it), I want it affecting BOTH couples that I'm a part of equally. Of course, even if it were to apply to ALL couples equally, then you get into inequalities with people who are single or in triads or what have you, so it's worth working towards a society where one is not defined by one's relationship status.
Originally Posted by AggieSez View Post
[*]If you are part of a primary couple that chooses to handle relationships with additional intimate partners in hierarchical ways that may seem to reinforce couple privilege, what is your rationale or intent for those choices?
TGIB is currently long distance so that affects a lot of our choices at the moment. Also, MC and I have two children while TGIB has three children with his ex. We have all made the choice not to co-parent each other's children beyond what a platonic housemate would do. Our parenting styles are different enough that trying to coordinate the way MC and I want to raise our children with the way TGIB and his ex have agreed to raise their children is not worth the headaches and stress. IF we are ever in a situation where all the kids are living in the same household long-term, then of course compromises will have to be reached, but we aren't there yet. In some ways I see it much like trying to coordinate parenting styles and duties in regards to a step-parent, particularly based on how much time the child spends living with said step-parent.
Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack
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