There have been a few threads recently about how to handle the holidays. Just the other day one of my friends asked me how we handled our "third wheel" at Thanksgiving. We are not "out" to our immediate family but are easing them towards figuring it out for themselves (they are not the prying sort and may ask occasional vague questions but not press if they get vague answers).
With my husband's family: my MIL invited me and MrS to their house, the next day (after checking with Dude) MrS called his mom and asked if it was OK to bring our "roommate". The day went fine! During the course of dinner, it was brought up that we went to Dude's grandmother's house for Thanksgiving (as his best friend and his wife) the year before. She died earlier this year and I think Dude was genuinely glad to be included in MrS's family celebration this year while missing his Gram.
With my family (who Dude has met / eaten with on several occasions): Mom called to invite us to Thanksgiving weekend and SHE, after a few minutes, thought ON HER OWN to invite Dude as well. It came out, during our conversation, that Dude's birthday is only a few days before MrS's (which is a few days before Thanksgiving). When we showed up for dinner she had actually baked a double batch of cookies (MrS's traditional Birthday present) and had a tin ready for EACH of them.
I don't know if I mentioned it before, but my mother, without knowing the specifics of the situation, has assigned Dude the role of "adopted step son-in-law" (how awesomely inadvertently appropriate!).
Amusingly, to me, the people that seem to have the most questions / are the most bothered by a living situation that they don't understand are our brother-in-laws
. (And even they have not asked anything directly or made any overt negative comments.)
I think MrS and I are just lucky. Our families allow for a LOT of privacy. Everyone is civil and nice. Nobody pries. Dude's family - well, they are not a problem because he is estranged from most of them (for reasons having nothing to do with poly). His Gram was the one he was closest to, now that she has passed he doesn't feel the need to associate any longer with people who don't add anything positive to his life.
WE are his family now and we are slowly integrating him into our immediate families. I don't feel the need to integrate him into my extended family at this point - I only see them once or twice a year and we aren't that close.
So far, so good.