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Old 12-06-2012, 12:16 AM
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rory rory is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497

Noticed an interesting interaction today:

me: so when do you want to meet again?
Mya: how about Friday?
me thinking: oh cool actually Friday is good cause I could maybe stay until afternoon or so cause I probably won't have too much to study and also that will leave me still time left to spend most of the weekend at home and also to see Alec who won't be home on Saturday morning anyway and fun to be able to spend a bit more time together
me outloud: yeah, Friday is actually really good
Mya: so maybe you'll not have to leave quite as early in the morning, then

Now here comes the interesting bit. My response to her was something along the lines of: "I'll have to see, I may have to study but probably can stay longer than usual". Which is not untrue, that may happen. But I'm not expecting that to happen, in fact as you can see from above, my own thought just a second ago was how nice it would be to be able to spend some more time together.

It's just, that seems to be some kind of trigger. That if I give a time frame/estimate, or my partner expresses a preference and I don't counter it right away, then I am bound to that. Which will make it then more difficult if I want/need to do something else, because I've already given the impression of a specific thing. That is, it triggers a feeling of being constrained. As being less free to choose what I do with my time. It seems to be somewhat irrelevant that the thing I'm committing to is something I actually would want to do anyway. There's still some psychological change of the free time being slightly less free due to being scheduled.

I find that interesting. (Also, me writing it here should not be read as a sign of this being a big deal, nor as a request to make any changes; I simply like analysing ). Also, I notice a different consequence. The trigger happens and causes me to express the fact that I may not be able to stay long. But in that, the impression she gets is about my busy schedule (true) and not about that I really would like to spend time together (also very true).

Kind of like an unfortunate circle: I feel like I want to spend time with her, she expresses that she wants to spend time with me --> I get anxious about her expecting something of me that I may not be able to do so I emphasise that I'm not promising that time + anxiety about having to feel like my time is accounted for + feel resentful about how she doesn't seem to trust that I, too, want to spend time with her (note - the triggered impression rather than something I consider valid) --> as a result of the trigger, I end up emphasising the non-commitment way over the willingness to see her, which actually could quite well undermine some of the trust she has in me wanting to prioritise spending time with her.

Now, this analysis was about my conversation with Mya this morning, but similar things have come up earlier with Alec. Somehow I just got a hold of some details in a new way this time. Have to process some more, but I feel like there are some valuable things to note.
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