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Old 12-05-2012, 08:48 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 467

When I was 21... it was a very good year... it was a very good year for city girls...
As would become my way, another overlap occurred. I met Blue online, the first time ex-bf cheated on me. We went our separate ways and 6 months later, when ex-bf cheated again, I sent Blue a text. Incidentally, he had apparently dropped his phone down a toilet in a pub, rendering it useless. He says that he had always hoped I would get back in touch.

He was the sweetest, kindest man I had ever met and he became my world, at the age of 19. Only... the sex was a bit... meh. Coming out of my previous relationship, I was fragile. I was insanely jealous and insecure and as lovely as he was, Blue did have a thing for covering up the truth when he'd been a bit naughty. Over time, I learnt to trust him and we would tell each other about people we had crushes on, as if it were completely natural.

Stepping Away From Monogamy
When I was about 21, I met the most incredible woman at work and developed a huge, starry-eyed, girl crush. This was the first time that I had felt a real sexual craving for someone, since my Teacher Love. I started to wonder if I might have been right about being a lesbian when I was 13. I couldn't get it out of my mind. I eventually left the glorious Eastern European delight behind me, unrequited... but something inside me was restless. My relationship with Blue was felt like a true soulmate situation. Only, a soulmate without ropes and blindfolds and all those things I felt that I wanted to get freaky with.

When I was 24, I went away on work for two weeks, to a little countryside town that I thought would bore the absolute hell out of me. I met a girl there, who we can call Shane (if you get the L word reference, I like you). Shane had these intense eyes that burned right through you and I felt a sexual chemistry unlike anything I'd ever felt in my life. I returned home and told Blue about Shane. I cried, feeling guilty for even feeling this level of attraction to somebody other than him. I felt like I had cheated; though we hadn't done a single thing. To my complete shock, he suggested that I start exploring my sexuality with her. After a couple of weeks, and some more talking, I went on what I now know would be called my first poly/mono relationship experience.

I also know that I would have called my feelings for her NRE, if I had known, and saved myself a lot of hassle.... ~grins~

Our fling became intense and the L word was thrown around. For the very first time in my life, I felt in love with two people at the same time. One was an intensely sexual, intimately girlie love - the other was a deep, soul love, surpassing anything I could ever put into words. Of course, I didn't know that keeping both could be possible and in the end, I chose to continue my exploration with her; ending my 5 year relationship with Blue.

Shane was a fun experience. Blue was 13 years older and made me feel like a delicate princess. Suddenly, with Shane, I was in control of myself and was the stable, strong half of a relationship. I had my own apartment for the first time, met my current best friend, progressed in my career and found my independence. But, after Blue, I never quite felt that same thing for Shane. Now, I realise that I saw her as a girlfriend; not a partner. I couldn't see myself breaking up with her, but couldn't picture her when I imagined the future. I had a conversation, walking at night with my best friend to some bars, and the two of us agreed that you can only find one kind of love in life - deep without the sex, or sexual without the depth.
Me: 32f, evolving

“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha
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