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Old 12-05-2012, 04:59 PM
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PolyLinguist PolyLinguist is offline
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Posts: 49

Hi again. Interesting discussion. I wish some others would join in!

Originally Posted by onoma View Post
If you think they want to sleep with you, why do you think they need you to be single? If you think these women want to sleep with you, but wouldn't because you're not single, why do you think polyamorous women wouldn't want to sleep with you? In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if some of them were more interested in you because you were in a relationship!
Hey, hey, too many questions in one paragraph!

1) I was talking about people in the mono world. That's where being single is an asset. Now I am ready to enter the poly world, but not at all cost. If for some reason my marriage ended, my priority would be to re-establish a stable, long-lasting, loving (although not necessarily exclusive) relationship with one person. I just have to look on OK Cupid (where I have been for quite a while) to realize the percentages in favour of single people. It's not that I would turn down a truly poly partner, but I would be much less likely to find one.

2) I obviously don't think that polyamorous women would be more likely to sleep with me if I was single. If I did, why would I be attending poly events? I'd rather go to meetings on astronomy and linguistics. Or join a choir. And yes, of course my being married, and having a wife who actually comes with me to poly events to show her support for this hobby of mine, is an asset.

A curious thing, by the way, which makes me wonder about the state of mind of some poly people:

This is what happened, more than once. People at poly events seem to be curious as to why my wife is there, and take her aside. She explains: my husband is interested, and I come along to show that I don't disapprove. But you do realize, they counter, that he may one day have sex with someone else? She is taken aback - of course she realizes this, she is not stupid. Why else would I be coming, anyway?

My question is: are there people going to poly events who don't realize that yes, it may well involve sex eventually?

Originally Posted by onoma View Post
I was asking about the one you were doting on, not all of them. Hadn't expected the two of you to actually have slept together, so cool.
Oh more than cool, I assure you. I was in seventh heaven.

In fact, on retrospect, I didn't quite play my cards right, and she might have married me if I did certain things differently. But by the time this became a realistic possibility (this is all retrospectively, who knows what really went on in her mind?), I lost interest. I had another girlfriend, and I wasn't ready to get on the rollercoaster of emotions that I had experienced with the one I had doted on (your words) before. This time she would have had to say "I am all yours, no reservations, no ifs and buts". Then I would have dropped that girlfriend, awkward as this might have been. Today I might suggest a poly arrangement, but this was then.

Originally Posted by onoma View Post

Here's the problem. If you think monogamy is a "useful asset" it sounds like you think you are bartering for sex. "I'll trade you a relationship for getting laid!"
First of all, there is nothing wrong with trading, if it's honest and fair. I trade with you, who want the same things (a loving relationship and sex), my singleness and desire for sex. Why is that wrong?

You seem to think that all I want (or wanted) is to get laid. Not at all, I wanted permanence, affection, love. Which I got, too. Even if I did get laid occasionally before, that is not enough. For one thing, even the friendliest of FWB partners kicked me out (nicely) after the sex. No breakfast together, that's going too far, I imagine. I have nothing against friendly sex, but - using my trump metaphor - yes, permanence (if it is good) trumps it.

Originally Posted by onoma View Post
Yet it sounds like you've slept with several women who were not at all interested in a relationship with you. In fact, in at least one case your relationship tendencies made things worse.
What was made worse? Yeah, I imagine if I was less intense and less focused on the future, I may have got laid a few more times. But I am what I am, and certainly won't trade my personality for sex.

Originally Posted by onoma View Post
So what's your problem? Women want to sleep with you without wanting to be in a relationship with you. You just need to get over thinking that women want a relationship for sex. You also need to realize that you have plenty of actual qualities women have been, and will be, interested in that weren't your desire for a relationship.
I am not sure I have a problem at all, I am just revealing my thoughts.

If what you say is true, I will find a nice poly partner, hopefully soon.

Except that, if I understand poly ideology correctly, poly people still want some kind of relationship with their partners. It's the swinging set who insist on the lack of emotion. And if I want it even less personal, I can always pay for it - here in Canada, it's even legal.

Last edited by PolyLinguist; 12-05-2012 at 07:48 PM.
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