Hi again. Interesting discussion. I wish some others would join in!
Originally Posted by onoma
If you think they want to sleep with you, why do you think they need you to be single? If you think these women want to sleep with you, but wouldn't because you're not single, why do you think polyamorous women wouldn't want to sleep with you? In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if some of them were more interested in you because you were in a relationship!
Hey, hey, too many questions in one paragraph!
1) I was talking about people in the mono world. That's where being single is an asset. Now I am ready to enter the poly world, but not at all cost. If for some reason my marriage ended, my priority would be to re-establish a stable, long-lasting, loving (although not necessarily exclusive) relationship with one person. I just have to look on OK Cupid (where I have been for quite a while) to realize the percentages in favour of people. It's not that I would turn down a truly poly partner, but I would be much less likely to find one.
2) I obviously don't think that polyamorous women would be more likely to sleep with me if I was single. If I did, why would I be attending poly events? I'd rather go to meetings on astronomy and linguistics. Or join a choir. And yes, of course my being married, and having a wife who actually comes with me to poly events to show her support for this hobby of mine, is an asset.
A curious thing, by the way, which makes me wonder about the state of mind of some poly people:
This is what happened, more than once. People at poly events seem to be curious as to why my wife is there, and take her aside. She explains: my husband is interested, and I come along to show that I don't disapprove. But you do realize, they counter, that he may one day have sex with someone else? She is taken aback - of course she realizes this, she is not stupid. Why else would I be coming, anyway?
My question is: are there people going to poly events who don't realize that yes, it may well involve some sex?
I was asking about the one you were doting on, not all of them. Hadn't expected the two of you to actually have slept together, so cool.
Had something similar happen too. I had a FWB for a few weeks, and one night after our friends left the bar I said it was nice to finally have some alone time. We never slept together again...
Basically, I had gone overboard. We weren't supposed to have feelings for each other, so when I said something "mushy" it was very much the wrong thing to do. Unless you're actually trying for a romantic relationship, leave the romance at home.
Here's the problem. If you think monogamy is a "useful asset" it sounds like you think you are bartering for sex. "I'll trade you a relationship for getting laid!"
Yet it sounds like you've slept with several women who were not at all interested in a relationship with you. In fact, in at least one case your relationship tendencies made things worse.
So what's your problem? Women want to sleep with you without wanting to be in a relationship with you. You just need to get over thinking that women want a relationship for sex. You also need to realize that you have plenty of actual qualities women have been, and will be, interested in that weren't your desire for a relationship.[/QUOTE]