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Old 12-05-2012, 03:21 PM
Numina Numina is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 139
Default Thanks Phy, I needed to hear that.

Originally Posted by Phy View Post
From the way you describe things in your life and what is happening right now, I feel quite concerned. Your tone is getting rougher and more tense and you mind things, I feel you wouldn't gotten as upset about some weeks ago. This is taking its turn on you and I fear that things will get ugly faster than later by now.

You need your time and space. It becomes clearer and clearer and I would try to make that possible soon. Chipmunk is obviously getting on your nerves and it won't take long till every little thing she does, says, thinks will cause major upset for you.
This is most likely true. I feel I have been willing to work to make this easier. I also feel as if I am not being considered. Not really that I'm being taken advantage of, more like Chipmunk (and sometime Airyn) are thinking I have a heart of stone, and won't be bothered by how they act or the things they say. This isn't so, and things need to change, or this will end sooner rather then later, naturally, or not at all.

Originally Posted by Phy View Post
And I think that Ayrin did the right thing to consider Chipmunks work situation before his commitment towards you. Its her direct surrounding and a place she needs to get along as well as possible with people. I understand that it hurts and I hate being oblivious towards my partner Lin as well for the sake of my husband occasionally or the other way round, but that's just common sense in those cases. But you are right about her behaviour. She needs to grow up and mind the consequences of her actions. I totally get your frustration with her and Airyn for 'protecting' her.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. You've made some points that let me know I missed something.

From what you are saying I think I may have left something important out. I have NO issue with Chipmunk calling Airyn her boyfriend to her friends, family, or co-worker. I have no issue with divulging our dynamic. I don't much care if her family, friends, or co-workers don't like how I choose to live my life. For that matter I don't care how my family, friends, or co-workers might negatively react. It is Chipmunk who is at odds with this. The issue is more about respecting me, and my relationship. She can not go through life by the seat of her pants, saying what ever is best for her comfort level, and not consider the comfort of the other people in her life. This is very self centered of her, and is not surprising considering her situation. Well actually she can be as self centered, and unthinking as she wants. Unfortunately she is living with me, and I am not willing to let these things slide.

Also when this issue first came up within a month of Chipmunk moving in. Airyn and I brought it to Chipmunk to discuss. We talked about an upcoming visit with Airyn's family, and who would be ok to explain the whole thing to, who would not do well with this, and how she might feel about it. Basically we told Chipmunk that Airyn's mom wouldn't be a problem that she won't treat Chipmunk oddly, or have issue with our life. His mom has been in a similar situation. It didn't work for her so we knew she'd have concerns, but that generally would be accepting. We then discussed Airyn's grandparents, and explained their very religious views, and how we feel they would react poorly, and might choose to treat her poorly. It was talked about, Chipmunk was given ample time to consider how she felt, or might feel. It ended up not working out. Chipmunk ended up very unhappy, and uncomfortable with the Grandparents. There were two parts to that. One was the amount of information that the three of us agreed to share with his grandparents. The other was her seeing the amount of history between Airyn and I , and his family. The point though is that we knew this was an issue, and we talked to her about it, gave her a chance to tell us her thoughts, feeling, and were willing to talk about it. They (Airyn and Chipmunk) did not come to me to discuss how to handle this issue coming up at Chipmunk's job. A place that Airyn and I have frequented for years. I let it be known that I had no intention of changing my behavior towards Airyn while we are there.

You are right considering Chipmunk's work situation is a good thing, That they never talked about it, that Chipmunk never asked how I felt, or if there was any problem with calling Airyn her boyfriend is not ok. It's not that she calls him her boyfriend at work, that's fine with me. It's that she expected me to not have an intimate relationship with Airyn in front of the people she works with. This wouldn't be an issue if she worked somewhere I did not frequent. If this was a location Airyn and I had rarely been to, and would rarely go to now that she is employed there. And Airyn had several other options. He chose to present me as a roommate, not his best friend, not his girlfriend, nothing to signify that he and I have an important to him relationship. Nothing that left me with room to treat him as my significant other and let those who see decide for themselves what to make of it. People will see what they choose to, and will explain things in ways that make them feel comfortable. If he had called me his best friend or his girlfriend, then it would have been up to the cashier to decide what he feels that means in this situation. He could take the term girlfriend and assume it is platonic, and then see Airyn and I arm in arm walking around the store, and think NOTHING odd. It's about using language that is respectful, and thoughtful to me as a person, and to my relationship with Airyn.

When Airyn and I were taking Chipmunk to her previous job, she chose to tell her co-workers that she was dating Airyn. She could have chosen to say she was dating me, as we were all dating at that time. Her previous job was also gay/lesbian friendly (her current job is more friendly to the LGBT community). There were several openly gay men working there, and at least one openly lesbian female working there. Chipmunk wasn't comfortable presenting herself as gay/bi/lesbian so she chose to say Airyn was her boyfriend, and that I'm her friend. Sure I was hurt or disappointed that she didn't want to tell her co-workers that she and I were in an intimate relationship, but I was not expected to treat her differently while at her job. Female platonic friends can and do hold hand, hug ect, and no one would think it odd. This was acceptable. It allowed me to be in a relationship with Chipmunk, and allowed Chipmunk to present it to her co-workers in a way that was comfortable for both of us.

Originally Posted by Phy View Post
In regard to the second day and the walking while holding hands part: Just speak up. And do so in the given moment at hand. If Chipmunk doesn't know what causes your 'mood-swings' and Ayrin doesn't get you as well from time to time, speak up when the situation arises. It will cause some unpleasant days and maybe will ruin a date or two, but they aren't mind readers as well. Tell them what makes you uncomfortable and don't take some unproductive consideration for the other relationship when yours is strained so much.

I hope you will be able to sort this out and find a liveable solution in the nearest future.

Edit: Oh dear, there was more to come, I was answering the shopping incidence and the date for photos.
You are right I should speak up sooner. I wasn't angry, just wishing Airyn would act more like he was out with me too. I am working on saying things sooner, I'm not good at it some times. Some days are easier/better then others. I am hopeful that we can sort all this out soon too. I told Airyn last Friday that I'm tired. Tired of being last on his mind. He says he's not ok with it, but then he shows other wise, says otherwise when we are out. He and I will be talking more about it soon. I really am tired, and right now I feel that if this is how it will be, then I'm done being poly with him and Chipmunk. My relationship with Airyn is just as valid, and important to me as Chipmunk's relationship to Airyn is. Airyn needs to treat us equally, and be in a relationship with us both. He can not continue to have a relationship with both of us, and treat my stated feelings as less important then how he THINKs Chipmunk feels.

This is why I am sending her the email I copied into this forum. She has to begin being able to talk to me about these things. She and I have to work that part out between us. But talking about our relationship to outsiders is not the only situation where Airyn has placed me last. I'm done with being last. But that's another conversation, another post for later.
Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
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