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Old 12-05-2012, 10:42 AM
Numina Numina is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 139
Default The email to Chipmunk. Part 2

On Tone of Voice, politeness versus rudeness:

We live in a household containing four distinct individuals, one child, and three adults. We all have different expectations, and wants within our relationship to each other. When I hear you speaking to Airyn in a tone of voice I consider to be demanding, it irritates me. What I feel I am hearing often is your demanding tone of voice coupled with a lack of polite terms. I often do not here please, or thank you's. Airyn may be willing to let these things go and have a relationship with you on his terms in his fashion. The problem is that you do not live with just Airyn. You live with Me and with Takara. To me it is inappropriate for you to demand Airyn do things for you, it shows me you lack respect for him as a person, and respect for his other relationships. Takara should not hear and see her father being treated this way, she is not allowed to talk to her dad like that. So what happens if she starts following your bad examples? More arguments between her and her parents over her disrespectful attitude. If you had a relationship where these things occur without being witnessed by myself and Takara, then Airyn's willingness to allow you this would not be an issue. This is not the case, and I expect respectful thoughtful speech. Airyn is not a maid, manservant, or butler, nor does he belong to you. He is his own person with his own thoughts, needs, wants, desires, and feelings. If you'd like him to do something, or get/bring you something, ask him. I am also my own person, and will not continue to tolerate this lack of respect.

Above all:
You are an adult, you are responsible for your actions, for your inaction's, for your communication, for your miscommunication, and lack of communication. You are responsible for owning how you feel, and discussing what you want/need.

Here's an example (that I like) for what a polyamorous person expects/needs within a poly-relationship. (GalaGirl from GalaGirl has an interesting way of writing, but I think her point comes across just fine.

I value people's worth/dignity. It demands respect. In relationship I want

Clear communication
Expect support from partner
Be nurtured
Get needs met
Constructive feedback
Constructive conflict resolution

Know and state needs, wants and limits
Follow thru on promises
Know the math tiers in this config
Your own and your partner's healths: mental, emotional, physical, spiritual
Emergency preparedness
Care for own equipment/stuff
Tell if keeping a confidence can hurt someone/is hurting someone


A) No lying / lies of omission. 1 strike you are out. Just hard truth it to me.

B) Anything else I'll negotiate on 3 strikes you are out. More? You are not a "give serious try" player who gives holds up responsibilities and gives me my fair rights. Don't play with me. Bye.

I understand you have trouble with communication, I also struggle with communication. The difference between us? I have acknowledged my difficulty, and am making attempts to communicate better. It's a work in progress, but I think it's obvious that I am working on it. However I do not see you stepping up to this issue. Owning it as they say on the polyforums. Owning it means acknowledging the issue, and working to get better at it. As I stated last time we had a discussion, if you need to talk to Airyn about it for a week or a month, ok. Talk about it, and be willing to talk to me if you need Airyn to be present that is fine. Make attempts, and acknowledge UP FRONT that you are working on communication, and that what you are saying is difficult for you. If you can start doing this, it will make my attempts to talk with you about things large and small easier.

Here's the biggest thing for me, Your ability to have an intimate relationship with Airyn directly relates to the happiness and health within my relationship to Airyn. While I am Happy with Airyn, I am not happy within this current dynamic. So there is stress, strain, and moodiness. There has been much moodiness from both of us from the very beginning, but I'll not start pointing these things out or laying blame anywhere. We all chose to be where we are at this moment. It is therefore up to all of us to work at this relationship so everyone can be as happy, healthy, and as comfortable as our current situation allows.

Basically I am saying stop expecting me to be considerate, and thoughtful in my words, and actions towards your relationship to Airyn if you are unwilling to do the same.
I understand that this is the first time you have lived outside of parental control, influence, and support. This does not mean that you can live with a family as though you are living on your own. You have to think about the other people you live with, not just some times, all the time. You have to consider how your actions can effect the people you are living with. I have offered you honest communication. Even when it has been difficult for me to admit that I am feeling insecure, needy, or lacking of personal confidence. I have told you these things, I have spent days, weeks even talking to Airyn and figuring out how to talk to you in a way that is less argumentative and confrontational. For the most part I feel I have been successful on my side of communication.

The problem is that communication takes more then just one person. If I am talking to you, and the only responses I get are "I don't know", non committal, overtly negative, or confusing it makes it difficult to continue to attempt to communicate. If you chose to leave a conversation without being clear in how you feel, and you also choose not to come back to me to discuss your thoughts and feeling then effective communication is lacking. I can not read minds.

*Telling me you don't know what you want/need. Then demanding Airyn provide you with your wants without ever coming to either of us to discuss what is possible and reasonable is not effective communication. (your requirement that Airyn bring you lunch because of your unrealistic inability to bring your lunch on your own)

*Telling me three different things during the course of one conversation, and then choosing not to clarify afterwards, or during that conversation is not effective communication. (how often you expect me to allow you and Airyn to have the bedroom in the mornings to yourselves)

* Expecting me to always ask you how you feel, what you want, and choosing to never ask me how I feel, or what I want is not effective communication.

*Choosing to be negative, and unwilling to compromise, or consider what is being discussed/suggested is very ineffective communication. That is shutting down communication, and without you choosing to bring the subject up again that subject becomes dead. Especially with someone who is struggling to communicate better. (I can think of several, but the most recent would be my attempt at discussing viewing porn together, and later when I asked you if you'd be paying on Kohl's this pay-period or next and how you responded to each. Both times you chose not to come back to me with a more positive attitude, and the last time I came back to you with it out of necessity.)

This is how I feel, this is my situation how as I see it. I can not control how I feel I can only choose to act in as considerate a fashion as is available to me at the moment I have uncomfortable feelings. If the best choice is to leave the room, then that is what I will do. If you notice that I'm in a foul mood it is then your choice how you react to that. I would like for you to read this, consider what I am says and how I am feeling. Then come to me so we can talk. I would like to find a way to be friendly more often, to do things together without the angst that has been growing between us. We (or at least I) have good days, when everything seems to be aligning on the positive side of life. I want more days like this, more happy days, where neither of us is upset, or stressed, or irritated. This is a difficult situation to be in. We both need to work at making things better at home. We both need to work at communicating properly with each other. We both need to curb our less then happy tendencies. I know we can do this, but we have to start soon before things can go badly again.

Today, you answered a question about how we all know each other by saying that you are a roommate of ours. That was not necessary. This is one of those things we need to talk about, so we can find the right language so that we can all have the happy easy feelings when talking about our relationships to outsiders. First you could have answered his actual question of where we met (in School), and not attempted to explain our living arrangements. Second you could have said we are all best friends. Not entirely accurate, but also very much correct. This answer would allow for any level of public displays of affection without any questions, or odd looks. I am comfortable with people knowing about our poly dynamic. I would be comfortable with telling Blink that you are Airyn's Girlfriend, and I am his wife. It is you who puts out that you are uncomfortable with disclosing this information. Talk to me, tell me what you are comfortable with so we can find language that makes us BOTH happy.

Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
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