Subject: Being Poly, Living with a family
First I have shared this entire email with Airyn, feel free to talk with him first. I understand that text does not convey tone of voice, and that you'll give tone to my words based on how you feel. Still I have chosen email as I have an easier time talking this way right now. It's something I'm working on, but I've found writing what I want to say down has helped a lot. I feel just sending this to you gives you time to read, think, and consider your response. It also allows you to talk with Airyn about how you feel before approaching me. Do I expect you to email, or talk with me via chat/text, or face to face? I have no expectation right now. I hope that I will at the very least hear something back directly from you, and not secondhand from Airyn. I will not be surprised if Airyn talks to me before you do however.
So where to start?
Basic/common Models for Polyamorous relationships. Please read the information in the following link. (link
) It will help you understand what I am saying. At least Part 1 and part 2, part 3 is irrelevant to our situation, but the information is a good basis for where many poly-relationships can find themselves.
The relationship type/structure that I originally expressed to you when we discussed poly very closely resembles #2a. Multiple Primary Partners, Polyfidelity model - closed Multi-adult Families
I feel as if this is what I still want, but since it's not what I have I am being asked to find something else. What is happening right now doesn't directly fit into any of the basic categories offered by this site. It's a mix of two of the Multi Primary partner sub categories. I must say I'm not comfortable with this at all. I do not like the idea of Airyn having a second primary partner (which is how he explains this relationship). As you can see however, My relationship with Airyn is not requiring your relationship with Airyn to end because I'm dealing with icky feeling over the structure of his other relationship. Nor is my relationship with Airyn calling for an end to your relationship due to the sever lack of time he has to be in a relationship with me (considering the amount of time we had before attempting poly).
I am also finding it difficult to consider actually finding/pursuing a secondary relationship for myself outside of the model I was originally looking for. I am trying to find a way to be comfortable/happy with the idea. Sometimes it appeals to me, and some times it doesn't. These are some of the icky, unhappy, confusing feelings I deal with regularly. They are my feelings, I can not control how I feel. All I can do is decide how to react to the way I am feeling. In this case I have chosen to point out to you the negative possibilities that I have not chosen.
I think that you and Airyn both have forgotten, or not considered something important. That it is not just that I am not getting anything out of your relationship with Airyn, but that I'm not getting what I wanted (what I explained) when Airyn and I offered you a relationship. That I have watched the two of you fall in love, and I am confronted every day with the relationship you two have. That I wanted to be apart of this, that this was supposed to be a family of three adults living together with the time, and space for our triad (you, me, and Airyn), and three diads ( you and Me, You and Airyn, Me and Airyn). That despite my ideals being shattered I have been working to allow you to have a relationship with Airyn. To find a way to be ok with my shatter desire staring me in the face every day. It doesn't just make me sad it makes me cry. Even now while I'm writing this I'm fighting to not get emotional. I am being asked to bend and contort so that you and Airyn can have your relationship. So that you and I can share space while not having a relationship of our own.
From where I am sitting you have mostly positives in this situation. You have a great man in Airyn. You have gained personal freedom. You have gained things in your relationship with Airyn that you have expressed you were not comfortable with, or did not have in other relationships. Feeling comfortable enough to fall asleep with a man, knowing that your guy isn't going to cheat on you. Having intimacy with emotions (love) and not a loveless or one-night-stand type situation. You told us you had basically been celibate for more then a year when we came into your life. You are also living with your partner for the first time ever. Because you moved in with us you now have a decent paycheck, and will soon have your own health care. You are becoming self sufficient, and could become independent. What positives do I have in this? I don't see them so if you do please share them with me (and Airyn).
I told you honestly that I view us as broken up. That I need time and space to deal with the unhappiness that comes with breaking up. I also honestly talked to you about needs versus wants. That I have needs/wants that are not being met right now. That I recognize you have needs/wants. That I need you to speak up and be willing to talk about your needs/wants and take a realistic approach to what can and can not happen right now. I also explained that I am ok with being flexible around my wants, and that I expect you to be flexible as well.
What I am finding instead is that I have to force compromise around your wants. That you are unwilling to talk about your wants/needs. I am seeing an inability to talk about even minor things. Like revealing your relationship with Airyn at work. Consider this, after you first told us that you were calling Airyn your boyfriend at work (wholefoods), I told Airyn I was fine with that so long as I was not made to feel uncomfortable being in a relationship with him openly while at your job. He and I spoke about it briefly and I left it at that. My problem is that you two never spoke about it, and we never spoke of it. The only input Airyn and I have had from you on your feelings sharing my relationship with Airyn at your job? That you are uncomfortable. That's it, and we figured this out by your actions not by your words. So yes I was PISSED that Airyn called me his roommate. In effect allowing you to have easy to deal with feelings, and leaving me with the icky of having my relationship belittled because of how uncomfortable you are, and your lack of willingness to communicate with either of us.
This situation was a difficult one for Airyn to be put in. His response was not acceptable to me, but (I'm assuming) was acceptable to you. I chose not to speak up because my response would have been the truth, "I'm his wife", and I understood you to be uncomfortable revealing that information. You chose not to respond. Why? Don't know. From where I am sitting this whole thing shows a lack of respect to my relationship with Airyn. It tells me you still are not willing to talk about or deal with icky feeling in regards to our separate relationships with Airyn. This in not acceptable to me. It was a thoughtless place to put both myself, Airyn, and in the long run you.
Think about this for a minute. Why are you in a relationship with Airyn? Not why now, but why at all? Would you be in a relationship with Airyn now if you had expressed interest in just Airyn from the very beginning? Did Airyn and I mislead you in what we wanted, expected of you within this relationship? Did we make it clear that we wanted you to be family?
Did we hide the fact that we have a kid, and live in a one bedroom apartment? Did we ever tell you that if it didn't work out the way we wanted you'd be out on your ass? Or did we tell you about our home, and family, and offer you a place to live as a member of the family, and tell you you'd never have to move back in with your mom?
Does this mean you can run willy nilly over all the expectations we expressed in the beginning now that our desired relationship structure has fallen apart? No. I expect to be treated honestly, respectfully, and with thoughtfulness on your part. I expect this all the time. Not just when it is easy, convenient, and not when a few icky feelings could occur, but always. Especially where icky feelings can occur.
No Icky feelings likely: Deciding to purchase something for one individual within the household (Ice Cream purchased with each person in mind), or food stuffs for the family. These are nice thoughtful things that I appreciate, but they are not likely to provoke any icky feelings within any member of this household.
Icky feelings not as likely: You choose to cook/bake. I love food, and anything you choose to make that everyone is able to eat is always appreciated. Cooking is not likely to create icky feelings for any one in this household. However resentment can occur if the cleanup from cooking is always left to one person. If Airyn continually has to clean up behind you, and my time with him is spent helping clean then resentment for your presence is likely.
Icky feelings likely: Deciding to call Airyn your boyfriend at a business he and I have frequented for a long time, without considering how that might cause icky feeling to one or both of us (you and I) when my relationship with Airyn comes up. Not planning for the event of being ask about me, and my relationship to Airyn.
Icky feeling likely: Continuing to be disorganized in all shared spaces of our home while knowing that at least one member of the household prefers neat clean spaces. You have noticed that I am not the neatest person, but should also have noticed that I attempt to contain my lack of neatness and organization. It irks me to spend part of my alone time with Airyn cleaning up shared spaces, and finding often that it is mostly your things we are putting away.