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Old 12-04-2012, 05:33 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rory View Post
I find it somewhat unattractive when somebody approaches the pursuit of sexual/romantic partners like a science. It feels to me as if I'm being approached as a representative of my gender, not as a person. With the whole "in the dating world this will not work" and "my only really obvious dating-world strength was monogamy (because that's what women want in exchange for sex) and now I don't even have that"... Sorry, but to me that feels creepy and sexist.
To be fair, rory, I never said that my only really obvious dating-world strength was monogamy. I said it was the trump card that might tilt things in my favour. And no, I don't think that monogamy is what women want in exchange for sex. But whatever they want (and this changes from woman to woman, and even for the same woman, changes depending on her stage of life), my qualities were rarely sufficient in my pre-marital life.

Now, one of the prevailing myths of the modern era is that we should try to be authentic, true to our own self. Well, had I remained authentic, doing just things that I liked doing (and was pretty good at), I might have ended up the proverbial 40-year-old virgin. Of course I had to change myself, and when I decide to do something, I tend to do it in a systematic, logical, scientific way. That's the way I am, after all, I can be permitted to be authentic to that extent, right? And now it's time to do further changes - this is good psychologically anyway, for I don't want to become an elderly fuddy-duddy, incapable of coming out of my comfort zone.

As for the monogamy card, it was certainly a trump card in my marriage, which turned out to be extremely good, as I think people will agree. When I met my wife, she was in a transition state, planning to go overseas with CUSO (the Canadian equivalent of the Peace Corps). I could have been as smart, charming and sexy as you want - but if it came out that I had a girlfriend (let alone a wife), or had unresolved emotional issues with someone else, she would not have changed her life plans. Nice to have met you, goodbye. Throw in the fact that I was single and capable and willing of long-term commitment, now that's another story.

I suppose I could think of my other qualities as trump cards as well (my wife wouldn't have married someone just for being single, in fact she had had plenty of offers), but those qualities come pretty natural to me, I don't have to worry about them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rory View Post
Since you don't want some general woman maybe not generalise women into some weird poly-dating-homogenous-mass? Maybe not think about poly dating as something completely foreign with some rulebook you need to learn to attract women (since there is not one, because women are people and, thus, will be attracted to different things). Do you really think your dating experiences from 30 years ago are very relevant for now? You don't relate to other things and relationships in your life as you did three decades ago (I assume), why would you do so with dating?
Actually, I do relate to most things in a fairly constant way. In my mind I am like a 20-year old, eager to go out and explore the world in all its wonders, and to find friends whatever I do. I am pretty good at it, too. I moved back to Vancouver last year, after more than 30 years absence, and I have made quite a few new friends, and I have immersed myself in a number of social groups, of which the local poly scene is just one.

From your comments (and those of others on this thread), one thing is obvious: I have created a somewhat skewed image of myself. That's because (getting back to one's true nature again), it is in my nature to immerse myself fully in whatever I do. Right now I am engaged in an online discussion of a hot topic (sex and dating, what could be hotter?), so I immerse myself in the discussion, revealing my innermost thoughts. This is what I think about, right now. I am intellectualizing, right now.

But come next Saturday, for example, and I am going to a Christmas Party organized by the local poly group. I assure you, I am not going to over-intellectualize anything. I will talk to a lot of people, I will approach those I find attractive and try to find common ground - I'll do what other normal people do on such occasions. My main problem is neither an inability to approach people nor being overly intellectual, but in sustaining conversations beyond the initial banter, unless there is a lot of intellectual overlap (as there was when I met my wife). But such meetings are rare, say they happen once a decade - hardly often enough to base my conversational skills on. Therefore I have to force myself to be more attentive in my conversations to what the other person wants to talk about.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rory View Post
My advice: stop thinking about attracting women/partners as a game. Start to think about meeting cool people, some of whom might be interested in you, as a new aspect of your life, which is not that different from other aspects of your life. Be yourself and have fun.
Done and thank you!
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