so J and i went out last tuesday, had a few beers, and talked some. the conversation didn't get too heavy, but we're going riding motorcycles this afternoon, and i feel like it could and SHOULD get to that heavy place.
Z was really cool with me going out with J. i'd told him just previously that we'd seen a little much of each other/i hadn't been getting the solo time i needed, so by the time i'd gone out with J, we hadn't seen each other for a day or two, and it was another two before we saw each other again, but he (Z) responded to my date with J and my time alone with little more than a slight distance between us, plus he never failed to text me and just check in upon occasion, sending "good night" or "just reaching out to touch base " texts at least once a day. this kind of thing makes me feel very good about me, him, and the state of our relationship as friends + lovers.
it was just this past tuesday that J and i saw each other, and the energy was good. it'd been a couple of months since we'd seen each other, so there were feelings between us similar to NRE all over again. we laughed and goofed and talked about friends and life, but never really went into depth on the rest of our daily lives.
the last hangout session before this one didn't end well at all because neither of us wanted to talk about what was really going on in the rest of our lives because we knew it'd spoil the evening. J would get pissed that my mind and position hadn't changed from "i love you and miss you in my life, but i'm polyamorous" (explanation/description/s go/es here) "and i would love to see more of you, but there are a couple of other people i'm very close to and i won't sacrifice my other relationships or my autonomy for an exclusive one with you or anyone else."
friday (yesterday) J asked if we could hang out some this weekend. i said yes, that'd be great, and suggested the motorcycle ride if the weather cooperated. he said great.
i also had an interview friday morning for a job i'd REALLY like to have, so my nerves were a little shot to begin with, but then i got a text from Z (we'd been in touch via text all morning thus far) asking if we could talk some that evening. well, that just shot my nerves up even further, because our history is pretty replete with "i need to talk later" texts, which have in the past signaled some volcanic upheaval (and hard conversation makes me really emotional anyway!), and we're both worrywarts. so all day i worried about it, though i was pretty sure he needed a check-in talk about how i felt about J and where my intentions were.
turns out that was correct. we sat down on his couch last evening and i told him everything i felt: i love him (Z) very much, he is my best friend, and our relationship has been a continuing catalyst for growth in my life that i've needed very much, and i can't think of anything i want to change about us. also, that i still loved J very much, and i know i can be sentimental and nostalgic about him and our past relationship (Schrodinger's Cat is right: i have nurtured these feelings and sentiments whether i realized it or not); i know there is an unwillingness in my heart to let go of the possibility that he may wake up and really HEAR what i am saying, combined with what i am trying to show him and the life i am trying to live, and see the possibility that simultaneous intimate relationships with more than one person might work, and well - and that even if that's not the case for him, it may well be the case for ME. i haven't let go of the hope that he might someday be able to see me for who i am and realize that the similar feelings that i have for him and others are not a bad thing, but could possibly a very good thing.
i told Z straight up that i KNEW it was not a possibility at this time (and so not to think that i was asking or pushing in that direction), but if it were a possibility, i could and would be happy having a very similar relationship with J as i do with him. we talked about the details involving that, and i was right - for him, it is not a possibility at this time, and mostly because of J's refusal to be friends with Z at this point, although he conceded that it might be a possibility in the future - there is simply no way to know, it's hypothetical at best right now.
he also told me straight up that he thought i needed to lay ALL this out for J just as i had for him, without wavering. no letting up when the air got thick and things felt scary and tough. i know he's right; my gut says the same thing. i wonder now if it needs to happen this afternoon when i see J...or should i put it all in a letter, so that i can say EXACTLY what i feel and think, without the feedback loop of J's nonverbal responses to what i'm saying constantly influencing what comes out of my mouth and how it comes out?
but Z heard me, heard all this; he listened well and was gentle - things he knows i need. he was wonderful. i cried anyway, just because that's how i am. for clarification, he repeated back to me in his own words what he thought he'd heard.
i'm telling you...this guy is awesome. i am seriously grateful for his continued directness, and that he wants to be such a close friend to me.
then we had dinner and crashed out for the night.
i'm working this morning, but this afternoon J and i get together this afternoon. we'll see how things go. i think i'm about to start the letter.
Z has a gig tonight. i'm there. i love to go see/hear him play and support him and the rest of the guys in the band.
also: i was reading this post on Solopoly.com:
and what resonated with me was this:
"I would cling too strongly to my relationship, rather than develop a strong core of independent emotional awareness and resilience."
this underlined for me what i already kind of knew: i get blown about by all this because what i have so far FAILED to establish is that STRONG core. i've been journalling a lot about that lately and some interesting things have come to light...things for me to work on, ways to build that.
happy saturday, all.