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Old 12-03-2012, 02:18 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
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Mono decided that he would invite people over for his last day celebration. We had a fire and some drinks and he invited, or should I say instructed me to invite Brad, Ken, Derby and her husband to come over. It was a fun night, but rather sad and happy at the same time. I tried not to read in to the atmosphere and just go with the flow.

Coming back from the main land after a weekend away celebrating my brother's birthday and seeing Mono off to his parents across the country. We had a great time. It was good to get away. My parents booked us in an apartment/suite with them for the night and we spent some time there high above the city looking out at the lights of the high rises and into other people's worlds. It reminded me of how small my world is and how possible it would be to disappear into another life if I chose. I don't choose that, but it gave me hope somehow. My most favorite moment was sleeping between Mono and PN in total comfort and safety. Not gleeful as I have been in the past, but content and close.

I got to see an old friend who I love and care for very much. She is also poly and as experienced as I am. I admire her ability to rise above her emotions to find rational solutions and not over think.

My friend is different from me in that she has arrangements with her loves whereby she is free to sleep with whomever comes and goes in and out of her life and to be as casual or serious as she pleases with others. I don't have that arrangement, nor do I particularly want it. I find the parameters of my relationships give me comfort and offer a solution to my need to keep sexually distant from most people. I could just decide to not have the boundaries I do now that I have practiced them for so long, but its easier to remind myself and tell others that I am not available. At this time in my life I find it a healthy place to be unavailable sexually to anyone outside of my loves and my commitment to that is still strong after many years now.

I listened to my friend talk and tell me her stories and realized that what she has is possibly what Mono wants. He might want me to let go of my need to know details of his life and still be just as connected. Maybe he wants to be able to sleep with his friends or meet someone and hook up, just as she does. It gave me a new perspective. One that I find hard to swallow right now and I am struggling to wrap my head around it, but at least it doesn't seem as charged with secrets, silence and cheating somehow.

Perhaps one day we will have something different going on with our boundaries, but there is a lot of work to do before that. I don't know if we will get there without sever changes to the connection we have. Its hard to rate someone elses connection, but I can't imagine being as connected and being okay with some of her activities, unless I block out my feelings and thoughts or I had a sign of a deeper commitment in our relationship to rely upon. Vague hope of commitment beyond next months rent I doubt will produce such trust for me. I am traditional that way I guess. I suppose in time and with practice the intensity of the charge of the triggers and anxiety I get will subside if I really wanted to work on it.

It would help if I weren't attached to the boundaries we have created that Mono now says he doesn't care about and has let go of ten months ago. Boundaires we worked hard on about who I spend my time with and how we spend time. I wonder how much he would care if I was with somene he disliked for some reason...? Or whether or not he just doesn't have a need to know any more? If he doesn't then why bother telling him what I do? Would this lesson our attachement?

Heading home now. I have lots to think about still and am constantly feeling, feeling, feeling... It will be good to get a break on my own these next five days without Mono until I fly to meet him. I miss him though and wonder if that will ever change when he goes away.
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Last edited by redpepper; 12-03-2012 at 02:38 AM.
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