Hi guys. I'm sorry about the length. I find myself facing a new battle in poly. I have never really experienced envy before and I think that is what I am going through...
My GF and I have a LDR poly V - I live in the UK for 3-4 months, then with GF, her hubby and our toddler, in the US for 3 months. Last time I came back home to the UK, I found myself feeling uncomfortable when she told me sexual/romantic exploits between her and her husband. I couldn't understand why I was so upset, because it never bothered me before. Then I realised it was because I wanted to still be there with her. After about a month, it went back to normal, full compersion, etc.
I just came back to the UK 2.5 weeks ago. I had asked her to keep her and hubby's exploits away from my radar for a few weeks, but being human, she let things slip and it upset me a bit, but I got over it. Then, yesterday, she went on a very long first date with a guy I do not like. She told me all about her date today and I listened.
This is the strange bit. I felt *reassured* by what she told me. I didn't feel insecure or fearful. I felt more relaxed and less worried about any of that kind of stuff. But, throughout our talks today, she kept giving me little anecdotes from her date, like a beach walk they took in the rain, and it seemed to push me over the edge. I explained that it was making me sad, because it reminded me how much I miss her and that we would do those things together when I was there. That I want her to have fun and not wallow; but that hearing about it makes me upset. Simply that. Nothing else.
After being chipper and happy all day, she eventually tired of my sad mood and said that she thinks I hold onto things, wallow in pain, instead of looking on the bright side. I have a business with her in the US that I love, our toddler is there. When I come home, I am away from her, away from our child and have to do a pretty crap job just to earn money to keep going back. It's a complete change for me. There are many positives, my friends are all in the UK, my family, etc. But the drastic change makes me wobble and when I hear of her doing things with other romantic interests, I feel this weird thing that I can only think is envy - of them, being able to be next to her.
I'm wondering if I'm being too sensitive? Wallowing too much? Being upset over nothing? Or whether my upset is understandable? I don't want her to change anything or not go on dates. I guess I just want her to understand. Does this all sound ridiculous? Maybe I'm crazy and need to get over myself
In which case... I'm doing well with insecurity and jealousy... how the hell does one conquer envy?!