Just an update-
I've been working so hard on this...I think, despite the difficulty, it's been good for me as a person because it's forced me to really do some internal emotional work on myself, some bad habits, destructive habits that truly didn't like about myself and I'm actually pleased with how far I've managed to come in the last few weeks.
I believe that my relationship with my husband probably needs to end. It's going to be very difficult and I am dreading causing him or my son any pain or upheaval in their lives, but I think that I've been hiding in limbo for far too long now, mistaking 'safe' for 'happy'. I think that my husband and I haven't really been compatible as a romantic couple for several years now, and that we will both end up happier finding someone better suited to us as our primary partner.
I am not sure if my relationship with my boyfriend will last or not but if it doesn't, I don't think it will be from jealousy or from the relationship being open. The more we've discussed his potential new relationship, the more ok I have gotten with it, till I'm no longer worried or threatened by it at this point. If we do end up ending our relationship, I think it will be from he and I being at different stages in our lives where I want to find a primary partner I am happy with and feel a deep connection to, and he is at a more fluid stage in his life where he doesn't want to settle down.
So I think we will all three take this next month of Dec. to rest as we'd planned before making the changes we need to make. I think my shrink will be a good sounding board and will help me figure out the best way to navigate the changes to come. But I'm starting to see that despite the pain of leaving a long term marriage and/or relationship, things will get better afterward. And I'm starting to feel like I might be strong enough to do it. It's nice to have a little hope back after all this time of being confused, sad, and lost in what seemed like an untenable situation. It's hard to see straight when you're drowning in reactive emotions.