Where I'm at...
OK. I'm in. I really need to talk/write about this stuff in my brain just to make sense of it.
I got here because one of my lovers labelled himself as poly within about 2 days of our "meeting." Yay for honesty. And I really like him and respect him. Sadly, at that point I had no idea what all that could encompass. My gut reaction when he said he was poly (within a few days) was "oh hell no." (Keep reading)
In my mind, from the poly people I'd known it meant a lot of form and structure and quads and triads and rules and basically everything that (for me) does not work any more than monogamy has worked.(In my head, "I don't want to be part of a pod! I don't want to have to do that! I don't want all those every time I want to be in endless talking talking talking about any of it. Noooo.... 3 other roommates.....I want it to be and happen and work or not.") (And I know that works for many poly people and I am not giving any disrespect...it does not work for me) Monogamy fits me like a ill fitting sweater, I have tried, and tried desperately. But I also know what I like in life.
So, I meet this new love/r and start to wrap my head around it. (Labels and identity and all of it) And realize there is this whole spectrum of nonmonogamy. I didn't know, I was always pretty much doing my own thing over here. Not thinking about any of it much. And to be honest, I really really like him. Enough to break out of my not thinking about this and start thinking.Needless to say, his version of poly is very different from my initial thoughts.
I am ridiculously happy on my own. 80-90% of the time. I really am very content. I like to be alone. I treasure being alone. After many, many years of single parenting, I am enjoying getting to know ME. And in general, I've mostly lived like this...just me and a few select very nice loves and lovers, for most of my life.
It's been an odd trying to get on the same page. When he first said he was poly, I was like OH HELL NO. For the reasons above and if you have read this far, maybe you get that. But, I do know, while we have been working on that, after that reaction... he thought I was straight up "NO I WANT TO BE CINDERELLA AND HAVE LOT OF BABIES AND YOU CAN NEVER SEE ANYONE ELSE EVER EVER EVVVVAHHHHH"
Am I poly? I don't know. Am I me?, YES! I am certainly not monogamous. please no judging. I have been to so many "poly talks." As soon as I say "I am not poly." I get that LOOK. (This is a bloggy thing, right? I can write what I want and actually, no one will ever read it... yay.)And then they introduce me to the lone monogamous person in the crowd and say, "You two will have a lot to talk about." And then get pretty much excluded from the rest of conversations. I have learned just to not say that.
Poor boy. He is crazy sensitive about expectations.And I have spent a fair bit of time explaining that just because my initial reaction to you being poly was "Oh WTF no!" Does not mean my reaction was "I WANT TO BE CINDERELLA AND HAVE LOT OF BABIES AND YOU CAN NEVER SEE ANYONE ELSE EVER EVER EVVVVAHHHHH! NOR CAN I!"
I have tried to explain, many times, that my itital "oh hell no," did not mean that. In person, via interwebs, on the phone. I think I have hit my limits there. I fear he still holds some residual unease from dating people who aren't as open to poly as they thought in the beginning. I know he is, actually, because he has told me.
Not to mention this is all a bit long distance.So it is a fair drive away, a fair not so often seeing each other in person, and a whole lot of text, email, skype, uuuggghhhhhh, in between. So a whole lot goes unsaid a little too often.
I have no idea where to go now. I care about him more than I have cared about anyone for years and years. I know I think about everything too much. I should just stop and enjoy the ride but sometimes my brain just explodes. Anyway. That's me for now.