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Old 12-01-2012, 05:38 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
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Originally Posted by naturalblue View Post

To add another layer to this, this has made me really question my feelings for him as well. I have been asking myself if I'm still in love with him and so far I don't have an answer for that. I am not good with picking apart and identifying my emotions though and I am still kind of in shock about all of this, so I know I'm going to need some time to fully understand how I feel about that. I have also built a pretty strong connection to the guy that I'm seeing so that makes me very hesitant about insisting that they break up or closing the relationship since I don't want to discontinue seeing my dude.

It's still pretty confusing. He acts like nothing has changed and in fact has been reaching out to me more in the last few days. He's in a great mood today, although the pessimistic side of me thinks that's probably because she's coming up for a visit today. It's very tempting to just pretend I never saw that message and just continue along in the relationship. I know that what other people think isn't important and normally I don't care, but the thought of breaking up or divorcing after only having been married 8 months is humiliating. And we were SO SMUG about how we had everything figured out and how our communication was so great and how we were doing this open relationship thing the right way. Ugh. I guess that should have been my first clue that something wasn't right haha

I know I need to talk to him about all of this, but I am dreading it. Plus, with Christmas around the corner, I don't know if I want to blow all this up right now. I'm just really unsure about a lot of things right now.
Bleh, I had some advice until I got to his messages to her that he hoped you'd want to leave him so he could be with her primarily. It is hard to do poly with somebody who is also a coward. My ex and I also broke up about 9 months after opening our 12 year marriage, we were probably a bit smug, poly people we met were saying they wished they had a marriage like ours and I certainly thought things were going well.

I can understand not wanting to discuss this right around Christmas, I can never keep my mouth shut about a problem for more than 5 minutes so it's nice to know that some people aren't so impatient.

It is NOT humiliating to end a relationship that isn't working, it's brave. You just have your memorized response for people who are nosy and ask you what happened - you tell them its none of their business or say "We really care about each other but realized that we weren't getting what we needed out of the relationship anymore, and it seemed better to part and stay friends than try to force it" Or..whatever.

The part I bolded - them breaking up or you closing your relationships is almost guaranteed to cause nothing but trouble. With what you know, it'd really seem like a passive aggressive way to get him to initiate a divorce, or encourage him to cheat, or worse, sit at home and start hating you, because what reason would you give him if you didn't tell him the truth?

I am really sorry - it's one of those snooping is wrong but it's information you deserved to have, and it's too bad he didn't give it to you freely when you asked about it
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
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