Ok, so we had our first big blow-up yesterday. There have been 2 or 3 arguments between Lin and me over the course of the last year, but this was our first “I am too upset to talk to you right now and will better go to sleep” one. And this is so new, that I am not as much upset by now than curious how this will work out and what we will do over the course of the day and so on. Really strange situation.
It was caused by an advice Sward gave Lin in advance of the upcoming evening today. We will meet one of my best friends and her husband. We weren't in regular contact, mainly because she just had her finals during the last year and totally 'vanished' because of the stress around the whole thing. Perfectionists do have a hard time sometimes. But well, she reappeared again two months ago and has been a great help when I was sorting out my feelings and the possibilities around my options in regard to my poly-ship.
And her husband had a really hard time coping with the fact that she was able to just accept me and my situation. When she told him about our/my situation, he flipped. Wasn't able to let it go, scared that she might have similar interests, outraged about Sward's role in this (victim) and in general completely projecting all his fears and insecurities onto it. Concluding from what she told me, I guess she has had a hard time getting through to him. But, he calmed down some months ago and now she would like to get to know Lin and see Sward again and her husband started to be curious as well. That's why we set a dinner date at our favorite restaurant.
Sward, Lin and I were lying on the sofa, watching some show and just chatting. Some advertisement made Sward suggest that Lin better not touch on this and that theme because my friend's husband is working in some kind of official position which could cause some conflict for him in regard to the guidelines of his job. That's when the whole thing started.
Lin has had not so pleasant moments with some people working in the field my friend's husband does. And in addition to his reaction to our relationship constellation his job was the final straw that broke Lin's judgment of his character. He expressed that he probably won't like him and he should just try to tread on his toes (he used a way more rude and vulgar expression, but my swearing vocab isn't that great, so I guess you can read into that what seems appropriate …) and he would show him what he got and so on. Totally ruffling his feathers and such.
How I hate this. There was nothing concrete underlying his judgment, he didn't meet him, he didn't know him. The same behavior my friend's husband has shown in regard to our situation. Hm, well, I am a person who can't conceal how I feel. I don't know what it was, maybe body language because I wasn't facing him during this conversation, but he instantly knew that I didn't approve of whatever it was specifically.
Instead of getting pissed at Sward for suggesting some restrictions on his behavior, he got pissed at me for being how I am. “Is something not to your liking?” - “Indeed, I don't like it when you get this swanky and pretentious.” - “I haven't been that way, can't you for once not show it when something is displeasing you? Everything has to go according to your liking and taste … I won't budge/ bend over backwards for some unknown stranger ...” and so on.
Ah well … what do I do with this. I think this has been positive, as far as a quarrel can be. I finally know, what it is that ticks him off and what gets on my nerves in return. This was shown on some occasions already but never to this extend. [It is the opposite of Sward's behavior btw, they are complete opposites when it comes to this character trait; Sward's solution gets on my nerves as well, just you know it
] I am too judgmental and in a way in regard to this trait from his point of view totally coming across as “better than you – you can't do anything right”. He is too proud of the (from my point of view) stupidest things and totally protective of “his way” whatever that may be in the concrete situation.
I am curious what we will do with this over the course of the day. He just came in, not saying a word. It is strange to deal with an unknown trait of a partner (conflict solution, behavior during an extended argument). I have no clue how deeply this affected him, if we found some kind of debate of principles in there or if this is just some momentary hick-up. I at least know that he needs his time and will come to me when things are sorted in his mind. I don't work that way, but the problem isn't really one from my point of view. Therefore, we will see.